I am an idiot. and I will die in my idiocy. and i am sick by the way. i just don't want to go to the hospital.. So if I die, I'll die due to illness, and i'll die in idiocy.

Maryam? Party? Nooo... You've Got the Wrong Girl.

“I have never seen you at a party before. Ever. Sai Yau” That’s what one of my friends told me last night at a friend’s birthday party. He is absolutely right. Of course I party, once per semester I suppose. Haha. Jesse Jagz concert went decently during spring semester. Maina’s party at silver Fall. And now this one. But don’t count on it being the last party of the semester. I not only had fun, I learned so much.

1. If you are self conscious, never ask your crazy friend to tell you how you look. Never. She will bring you down.

2. Having second thoughts, and third and fourth thoughts about going somewhere is normal. Especially for someone like me. Like seriously, I live a sedentary life so having to move miles and miles from my room is scary. And then consider other factors, it’s not your car, you probably don’t trust the driver, anything could happen.

3. Never go to a party alone. Go there with your friends, party with your friends, and in most cases leave with them. They’re fun, and will forever be fun.

4. You could always open up the dancefloor. Buuuh, preferably, sit yo ass down till you start listening . Planning a party is NOT beans. Helping out isn’t too.

5. It’s more fun/ (hectic too but) when you’re part of a party or know the celebrant cause you know you’ve got some rights to the fun. Get involved. If you’re going to a stranger’s party, mingle.

6. Serve, taste, serve, taste some more. Hehe

7. The boys are stupid, only the decent ones will ask you to dance. I could have danced with three guys but they were all retards, like they make silly statements. Instead of saying, ‘let’s dance’ they’ll be like, ‘I didn’t know u could dance,’. Or ‘I wanna see you dance’ etc etc. Don’t budge, if they don’t ask DON’T DANCE!!

8. One thing is imma party more, and do my own thing. And the next time i’m going for one I’ll be less worried about pointless things.

9. and I could go on and on but really, I don’t have the time. I wanna go chill.

Grande Poulet

So I am officially a chicken. I have a test to write and it is taking place... now. I have not studied much. I read one out of the three groups of slides, and it’s not like I crammed the damned thing or perused through it. Skimmed through it is the word. I know I do not understand the subject (I have planned it in my head that I will never understand it) but really? That’s like getting a zero out of twenty. Of whatever mark it’s out of. My friends are telling me it’s better to at least have gone to the classroom and attempted shit... attempt jackrabbit they mean right? Urgh I hate myself. What excuse am I going to tell my instructor!!!

Say Your Crush Enrolled In The Same CLass You're In, Unintentionally

So I began to wonder, when I realized there was some sort of creepy possibility that I could be stuck in the same class as my crush’s. My much much older crush, not age wise, but class year wise. And of course the thing is we were a thing, but not an official thing. I guess we had feelings for each other (well I did, and he did too, I guess; except we never talked about it...?? wierd much ??) but we never imagined we would wind in the same class!! Ok so anyway. Say we do... Do I drop the class with immediate effect, or ...? I mean if he dropped the class, even if he had a genuine reason. I would feel hurt. So I guess I would not drop the class. But then end up failing the class either because I was too shy in answering questions, or I spent the whole class times staring at him or day dreaming? or even worse... well there’s nothing worse than failing a class and having your crush know without having him come and support u... yeah it’s worse cause he would never wanna console you, he’s not your boyfriend. And even if he was your friend youd probably end up hating the son of a bitch because it was HIS fault in the first place... his fault for being so distractingly gorgeous as class held place.

I would drop the class.. Thanks to advice from my relationship guru, Aisha Y.

moustikue!

So I slept out last night. Bad idea? Yes and No. Of course with the heat yola keeps emanating even at night, sleeping outside was of great benefit to me. Slept on a mat, which shows that I have will, apparently. J Howeverrr, yes there always is the bad side to everything I experience. Bites, all over my body. Insect bites mosquito bites, my arms are red and swollen and they hurttt! Like hell. I can’t help it... they r itchy!! Arrrghhh! I have an eight oclock tomorrow... better get some sleep. Even though it’s just almost midnight :P

You know you're a duller when you're always online and waiting for notifications, tweets, buzzes from people. what can i do apart from tweet...

I could write.

but i have issues letting people read my stuff. So it can't happen maybe at home.,

I could Walk. Alone? No.

I could, swim, fridays, yes.

Draw. color pencils and stuff. :) yesh!

Town, i need to go there soon!

whatever. its two thirty and i have an eight oclock class... urgh.

C*...

You have no idea how upset I am right now. C+. Is that even a grade? The only class I ever got a C in back in high school was Physics... simply because it’s physics. This is so upsetting. I swear... urgh.

I don’t even know what is wrong with me.

Why am I so horrible at trusting people?

Ok, I know why. I have been betrayed and screwed over and over and over... again. Non stop. But when ninety eight percent of people tell you to NOT do something... is it not just natural for you to listen? I am a total idiot. I swear to god. Ridiculous little me.

Anyway. I’ll get over it. When I give birth maybe. Labour is worse than a C+. Yeppp.

He paced around the counter, wary of my disobedience. He obviously knew I was going to break the rules and sneak out of the house. Fadil couldn’t think of another way to stop me. I was loving this; the holy son was trying to prevent the careless niece from having fun. “Fadil, you know nothing’s going to prevent me from seeing Ahmad, right?” That did it. He reached up to me at the edge of the counter and faced me with an angry glare.

“Aqila!” He yelled. “my mother is ill. I don’t know what she was thinking, taking you in in the first place. Is this how you want to repay her?!” Surely, he was pissed. I actually felt bad about treating my aunt that way, attempting to worry her. But seeing Fadil act so over protective of me made me want to do more crazy things, and so I slyly said,

“No, Fadil. You’re boiling inside, you don’t want me to go simply because you loathe Ahmad. Sure you’ve got the brains, but he’s got everything. The looks, the personality, charisma, as well as the brains. And maybe...” I placed my index finger on the side of his face, and traced his forehead till his jaws. He suddenly cooled down. He wasn’t angry anymore. He was scared. Nervous, maybe. When last did this innocent young man feel a woman’s touch? Had he ever been touched by a female, apart from his mother? Regardless, I caressed his lips with my thumb. He was frozen in his posture, just as I slid down the counter and placed one hand on the nape of his neck, past all that brown curly hair that smelled like the cinnamon shampoo on the bathroom shelf, and pulled him closer. He was breathing heavily, and his eyes were completely focused on me. I entranced him! I set my right hand, which was on his pale pink yet soft lips on the side of his ear, partially covering the side of his face.

At this point I began to feel my heart skip a couple beats. I felt hot all over, and for a second or so I felt a little sensitive about what I was doing. That’s strange, I thought to myself, I never felt that way before. I ignored the feeling and focused on Fadil, not losing eye contact.

“Aqila... you shouldn’t.” He managed to stutter.

“Shh,” I whispered, “it’s only a kiss. Nothing more.” I tip toed a bit to reach up to his face and placed my lip onto his. I might have only wanted to play with the poor boys mind when I was sitting on the counter. However now that I was practically attached on his body, my mind had different intentions. At first when I kissed him, he didn’t respond. A few seconds later, he took me by the waist, pulled me even closer to him and kissed me back. He was not aggressive, like all the other boys I had ever kissed. His was warm, and slow. I did not want him to let go of me. The funny part was the calculated boy wasn’t ...

sOMETHING Bowt Me

here's a peek at maryam @ from last semesterrr.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

1. My alias is Maya Andrews. Now that you know this I will have to change it.

2. I prefer doing certain things myself. Like wash my own hair cause I know how hard or soft my head would like to be touched.

3. I can be extremely self conscious and have low self esteem but sometimes I’m so confident you don’t want to be near me.

4. I walk in the midst of people cause people don’t notice my flaw(sss) so much. Besides, when people stare at me a lot I trip.

5. I want to adopt a daughter in the distant future. When I am rich and all (Insha Allah). However being open minded and all, I might change my mind. Don’t blame me if you see me with five children in the distant, DISTANT future.

6. I always sleep late when I have eight o’clock classes. It’s a curse that can’t (won’t) be changed.

7. I learn more about myself and change when people ask me questions or when they state things about me. The other day I was asked what I liked to do for fun. I didn’t have an answer. So I realized that I needed to get a life. I was once told that I was inquisitive. I then noticed I asked more questions than actually conversed during CONVERS(E)ations.

8. Because I was acquainted with people who spoke English as a third or so language, and realized English isn’t everything (and not even one of my fave subjects) I stopped laughing at Tabs, bullets, etc. Unless if it was iconic. ;)

9. I fear God and death when I am reminded of them. When I pray, which is a daily routine, I do not fear God. I just pray cause of my religion. But when I listen to God’s saying, preachings such as the translation of some verses of the Qur’an, I get really scared.

10. I no longer wish to be an only child. Distance changes people.

11. I love sleeping, writing, watching cartoons, talking too much, being hyper.

12. My favourite colors are blue, lime and lilac.

13. I love boys a little too much, apparently.

14. I think everything is cute, sexy, righteous, or awesome. My friends noticed that. I didn’t.

15. I don’t notice things. Or maybe I do and then I forget them.

16. Certain things like music, scents, movies, and the weather remind me of certain pages of my past.

17. I don’t want to die. Not anymore.

18. I enjoy taking fun surveys on FB because I learn more about myself. See #7.

19. I value people too much. It will lead to my downfall.

Stuff Since Late 2009

weird shit. had to remove it. its s blog, not a diary.

Pain. Remorse. Reflection.

It is the last day of spring 2010. I can’t believe it is over. A few months ago I was in my green and black trads, boarding Arik airways, hiding tears of grief. I was going to yola, and leaving my family and abode was torture. I did not want to come back to Abti. The school of drama would be an understatement to AUN. Considering I barely even went for social events or made millions of friends. Now it is over, and I cannot help but reflect.

I think I fell in love. Okay, I am unfortunately the kind of person that cherishes at least one thing in one person. Well for this boy,

Ugh nevermind talking about him won’t bring him back. I cannot tell if he likes me or not anymore, some things he does makes me know for sure he wants me just as much as I want him, but in other cases I feel he resents me even by just sighting me.

Departures suck you have no idea. I have three friends that I may not see until august, or in the case of my friend who is leaving tomorrow, june. I met them late last year but I feel so connected to them; even though we barely talk. I wish they could stay for summer, even for just hi’s and hello’s.

Listening to carter burwells song, Bella’s lullaby. It’s making me feel hideous pangs of remorse. I hope my results turn out okay. Went for a walk with S and F today. I love how they didn’t leave me out in their convo’s and even sort of analyzed me. Apparently when I’m quiet I look upset and when I talk I’m all gleeful. J I like that. I wish we could have walked forever. But then our legs would cut off and we would lack things to say. Funny thing is even when we were in the midst of some awkward silence, it never felt awkward. S is the type of man all guys need to be. As for F, I’m so comfortable around her. Which I love so much. I will miss her.

So the window was let open for forever and there r insects all over the room. They are silently flying around, creepy crawlers on my bed... I am seconds from throwing up. As much as I would love for the internet connection to fix itself... I am happy it is not. I am using the time to reflect on this semester.

I slacked so much and ended up writing simple exams. Sociology and Civ exams weren’t funny though. As for the rest they rocked.

I think what is inspiring me to write this much is I do not remember.

Okay, I remember. A’s friend S blogs, and my friend btBoy blogs as well, and I’ve seen both their blogs, and I do think it would be wonderful if I write down stuff I’m feeling as well. I am not only going to improve my vocab and writing skills, but I get to release the pain or whatever I’m feeling. Sure I have to make my blog private, since I know there r a bunch of people who would oh so love to take out stuff from my blog and talk bout it... blackmail yeah?

Thing is, I won#t mention names. You can tell who I’m talking bout if we are close friends. Yep. Listening to Wake me Up, Evanescence. I need that.

I need to wake up and find I have it easy. Life is easy. H’s charms, A’s looks, Am’s brain, Z’s wits, M’s skills, B’s diplomacy and M’s generosity and religiousness. I don’t know whether religiousness is a word but still. See if I had all those qualities I would not have a sedentary life.

False.

I do not need all these qualities, it would make me perfect. Imperfections are realistic. Perfection is unrealistic. Ok thoughtology.. sorry. ß THAT is definitely wrong. Anyway. I guess I like how I am. Random, forgetful, talkative, not so focused. People think it’s cute. Even though I dislike these “qualities”.

Ok I think I’ve written enough,

I’m going home to relax tomorrow. :D but before that, I’m gonna go to GPB.. got some unfinished business.

Today was amazing by the way. Wrote an awesome exam, it rained, the weather was soothing, hung out with friends. J really wish it would be like this every day. Alhamdulillah. Saw sum as well. J and Ahmad.