Very Happy

It’s so funny how earlier this week i was immensely confused. I needed an answer; I was not going to get one, because apparently I was the bigger person.

I was in the middle of a 'bewildering labyrinth' of questions, expectations and pangs and pangs of emotions. I did not even know how to feel. Exams were right around the corner, but I did not seem to care...

All of a sudden, everything is amazing. In fact, I got caught uttering 'very happy' in my sleep.

Really, I AM Happy :) 

Talk about 'pursuit of happiness'

Talk about 'ignorance is bliss'

And definitely...

So much for taking things slow. :) 

But I do wanna take things slow... it might come back and hit me in the face but that is what i want. Dido to Lui too. 

I Do Not Know... Thoughts and More.

The Objective of the issue (ssss). It's so weird. I should be working on my final research paper but somehow I wound up here.  Is wound up here even grammatically correct? I'm listening to shy boy by Jordan Sparks, and it solely reminds me of Summer I. Okay not solely, it reminds me of a lot of things.

But that is not the point. The main point is I am typing like crazy on here, but when I pull up my research paper. Nothing. Nada. Niet. Wala. Okay I am lying. Personally I just don't have any single interest in this.

I chose Eq. Guinea because it's a country a lot of people do not know about, thought the media would be decent to understand and also because my elder siblings (Can siblings be older... I know, I am very conscious about languages because they are one of my talents... and no I refuse to be modest at what I know best.) 

Funny how I misspelled conscious and nearly added it to the dictionary. Would have ruined me because I use that word a lot and I misspell it most of the time.

So yes. I am alone in the basement. It’s two twenty one a.m. and intoxicated, Jesse jagz is on. It reminds me of a friend, who once tweeted that he can’t ever get over this song.

I was upset earlier.

Exactly why I wanted to blog. Just wanted to give you the benefit of knowing that I procrastinate and get writer's block when it comes to research papers. Because I gotta get info from people I do not know but are deemed credible by databases (that I do not trust) like jstor or simply because they are .org or .edu websites. Do you know how I distrust Wikipedia and .com sites because of library orientation... hmmm... which is shameful cause if only you knew how much wikipedia helped me back in high school.

SPECIAL REFERENCE CHEMISTRY.

lol.

I’m confused; I promised I would be the one to call. But that meant I would have to call the shots. And personally, I don't want any flipping ball in my court. 

I really want this. I really do. 

Sorry. Was thinking. But you wouldn't have known that because it's a text... and not... oh never mind. 

You know what sucks right now. more than the fact that I have two exams on Saturday, two more on Sunday, and NOTHING on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday, and also what sucks more than me and lui not together because of taurin kai (how do you spell??) and what sucks more than me dulling when I was supposed to be cheery and crazy cause I was with my almost but not equally crazy and cheery penguins of Madagascar loving friends but really wasn’t cheery and was thoughtful , silent and distant and sucks more than me having to spend my December in Yola... the fact that I DON'T KNOW.

I want to know. It’s not like I care. I do care, that's why I’m thinking about it every minute of my life. That's why I am blogging about this instead of looking at my research paper. It's not because I am a nerd. Certainly not cause I have no one to tell, everyone knows. It is because I care. I care but I do not KNOW.

I want to know the other Point of Views. I want to feel. I want to feel. You have no idea how many emotions are surging through me right now. You don't know how much I want to cry, but for what reason?

I want to blame the thoughts and hurt in me on lui. But for what reason? I keep asking myself.

I want to tell myself I am not hurting. I don't feel hurt. But apparently something must have triggered my emotions. I mean... eerrr... why the silence? Where’s freaky Maya?

These questions can be answered. They really can. 

Lui: falta de comunicación. 

I have four exams in two consecutive days with two each day in short intervals. Of COURSE I’ll be thinking.

I’ve got a flipping instructor who is more bipolar and more forgetful than me. And you do NOT want to know what that means. Okay you do = CHAOS AND ANGRY STUDENTS THAT FEEL BETRAYED

Poor decision making. <-okay that sounds like it came out of a textbook. Haha. sbe maybe? or cmd???

Silence because I can't possibly talk forever. Okay I can... journalist in the making HELLO!! but yh, you get me. I need sometime to myself. These horoscopes make sense... We Aquarians need our space. Yeah you heard right and no... You READ right, I'm an Aquarius Lady. There's two sides to me (so not gbagaun, tis American English) I could phase any second and you wouldn't do anything about it.

I was really happy about the matured Maryam, in control, serious, calculative and more than usually thoughtful. But now... it's scaring me.

I miss having people decide for me. 

The Dream, the Theories and the Change of Mind

 I sincerely do not know why I had a dream about you. But I feel indifferent about it all. Okay weirded out simply because well, I feel like I am over you. I act stupid around you and the simplest eye contact can bring the feelings back but that’s not what I am saying. I don’t weep about you anymore, I don’t have you on my mind 24/7, I just know you were a part of my life at one point in time, and you meant a lot to me. But I don’t feel like I love you anymore. And I am willing to let you go. So yes, I am indifferent.

But then having you in my subconscious mind all of a sudden is freaking me out. I’m lying I’m not freaked out. I’m enjoying this actually. Behind the weird context of a possibility of wanting you back. So yes. What if you come from nowhere and say we should get together. Well let’s just summarize my media dependency theory. Since it’s a dream i am most likely not going to forget…

Honestly speaking, I think these theories make a whole lot of sense. The thing is, I simply do not fully agree with them. As a liberalist, there is no way I can read about these theories and nod my head and say, fact. They make sense, they rectify some incidents, but what are they trying to say? That people are being controlled by their own inventions?

Okay back to me thoughts

am a hypocrite. Yes. I am not going to deny that. For what benefit? There are things that I would vow never to do, and then I end up doing them. Sometimes out of compulsion (convincing) and sometimes out of will. This time. It happened. Out of will.

I wrote the above weeks ago, just thought it’s proper that I posted it.

The Pizza I Didn't Eat, The Research Paper I Didn't Write, The Problem We Didn't Resolve, But I'm all Smiles. . .

so today was a day i cant possibly fathom would ever happen to me...
I know there's drama and chaos and sits in my life but today's was...
the second point id like to point out (haha point id like to point.. get it? lol. oh whatever, whats the point?)  is that i have always considered myself to be selfish. i tend to have zero self esteem, i tend to be self conscious, i tend to dwell in my past and dwell even some more in past actions.
and the third is i found out that i still have the ability to sacrifice. you know how people think chivalry is dead but well, and then this prince charming comes along, whisks you away and apparently and all of a sudden chivalry ISN'T dead.... well this is what happened to me tonight.
and wow whee, tonight is the first of december... hmmm
so YESH. BACK TO MY POINT
i found out, tonight, the first of december.. that, oh sorry 2010, ... two years before the 'end of the world' haha that i still love my friends and i still have the heart to let go of things that i care about and attend to others. not that anyone needed attending to, i mean none of the chickens (which i love oh so very much) listened to my advice but ya za ayi? abi ya zan iya.
so anyway, i'm just pleased that i wasn't self absorbed in a pessimistic and saddening way.
i was there for my buddies, i wasn't biased (OK I MIGHT HAVE BEEN BUT I INTENDED NOT TO BE SO THERE!)
oh and the thing i missed out on was i lost the chance to be with my grizzly bear. i'm going to be optimistic like he is, and hope there's another chance. and yes there will be another chance.
oh i also sacrificed my pizza with Sashaaa :) which doesnt matter cause grizzly bear offered to take us back to the pizzeria but i just said no, didnt want anything further to happen.
and then the other thing i sacrificed was my research paper. i know its due on the 14th but mahhn, it's like ten flipping pages long, boring and i have exams before the fourteenth so i need time and space to study for them.
and I can only do that when i am done with the paper and have nothing else on my mind.
anyway
i shouldnt gloat about my love for my friends, people already know i'm awesome (more gloating)
so yes. heading on to my research paper.

The Things You Hear Behind the Blasting Speakers At PIBZ

You only hear weird comments in clubs. Weird phrases like the following.

“I think your nose just touched my eye.”

And

“I can feel the beat in my anus.”

And

“I think I’m going to grind my cousin.”

The first one happened when I was trying to talk to my friend’s boyfriend. Because of the more 

than loud speakers banging behind us, he had to lean in closer so he could hear me. As he did, the tip of his almost perfectly chiseled nose tip brushed the white of my right eye. And yeah F, I know you are reading this and yeaaap your bf has a decently cool nose :D

Of course it was weird. But it just made me laugh because I normally don’t get noses in my eye.

The second one happened near the corner. There were about three speakers all faced in our direction, and I promise you I could feel the beat in my anus. It was like, ‘dum, dum, du-dum,’ hahah.

It was really funny.

The third one. Is. Even. More. dramatic. I’m saying ‘is’ cause it still is. She not only grinded him; There was a little bit more to it than juust grinding.

J love my friends. Like sosai sosai. 

Streams

Only in my best interest? I cannot believe you did this to me. If you really were my friend you would have known I hate surprises.

How the fuck do I summarize points?

This is not really what I want. I promise you.

Stand there and look stupid?

I hate you. Why did we ever get introduced?

I guess I’ll keep my thoughts to myself.

Apparently over here when you find someone good looking it means you like him.

Ugh.

^ this is a major example of stream of consciousness.

I swear to you this governmental bullshit that I’ve got spread in front of me is not in any way related to media in Africa.

How do I tell you no. and you too. And you too… NO no NO NO NO NO.

 Poverty, Gender, and Nigerian Media

Women usually represent over half of the population in most countries of the world. It is evident that women perform two thirds of the world’s work, earn ten percent of the world’s income and own less than 1% of the world’s property (McClintock 1996). In Nigeria, culture and religion are causes of why women are suffering in poverty and exclusion while men consume a larger share of resources.

Women are given little voice through Nigerian media and are demeaned in multiple ways. They are not key players in the media. Upon conducting research on 15 women who read newspapers,

Did you kiss?

Did you kiss?

No.

Did you?

No. we didn’t.

Did you kiss?

Yes and it was magnificent. Obviously wet cause I had tears falling all over my face  but I could not help but kiss him too as he held on to me so tight i was practically glued to his clothes. By the time he slowly let go of me I was not hurting inside anymore, and we were not leaning in one corner of the common room. We were in his room, on his bed and half undressed.

He promised!

He promised!

I get scared when people make promises or vows. Because as a pessimist, I know it’s not ever going to happen. But when it does… I kind of feel indebted to them.

Ask me why I am jealous again… I should not be. No tengo que ser celosa.

Failed to keep my thoughts to my self. Now I look like some psycho. I really thought we had things in common. I thought right.

I guess payback really is a bitch.

What is up with me and really?

I am jealous. I am so jealous it is hurting. Not ‘so jealous’ in an extremely disturbing way. I just mean so jealous in an ‘in three aspects kinda way’

Mi cara mi hombre y mi cerebro.

Grosse.

I know.

Stream of consciousness is fun.

But did you notice how a lot of them r negative?

I believe aroma therapies make me feel better.

See, it’s negative. Since when did a shower gel become a happiness emitter.

Maybe I should be like him. An optimist.

More negativity again. Said maybe.,

I like evanescence.

I can’t even call my mother and selfishly cry to her about how much I am hurting.

Because the service is dreadful.

And the tears are falling from my face.

No! I don’t want them to fall on the keys. I can’t have my laptop crash again. Not cause then I would shamefully have to call my dad and tell him the lappie survived only two weeks before it crashed yet again.

But because I don’t want to be reminded about how a device died because of tears caused by two boys, friends, and education.

Are they worth the tears?

Yes.

But not tears of an emotional self destructive persona like moi. Help?

I just realized I was crying without any underwear on.

It made me laugh, and subsided the tears.

I weep too much.

At least this semester I won’t be going back to school miserable and underfed. I’m eating.

Positive thoughts: I am going to keep to myself.

I just deleted ‘so fine- sean paul’ from my phone: which reminds me of those endless moments we shared together back in fall.

I deleted little things by good charlotte. Because it is a reminder that little things could get to me.

I deleted over killing only cause I only listen to three seconds of it before moving to the next song with a little bit of irritancy.

I wrote a two page essay in something like an hour last night. I am proud.

I’m going to look good today. Kind of figured what im going to wear. J

I love how I can print stuff from my dorm without needing squared pieces of paper and having to dress decently. 

Registration Day

I’m sitting in front of A&S. I am supposed to be flustered or patient. But I am neither. I feel like ripping my advisement form to shreds. But I need my advisor’s signature and pin before I can do that. I am jealous that optimism is the last thing on my mind (and so I have resorted to blogging) because patience is much needed from me right now.

I need a signature. Why is it always a signature. Why is it that someone’s scrawny or massive mumbo jumbo of lines and curves turn one’s life upside down? Who chose signatures to be a sign of approval anyway? Jeez. Did they not notice that it could lead to a form of torture.

‘sign! Or else’

‘no. you don’t deserve my signature and so you shall not get it.’

‘oh yeah.’

‘yeah’

Angry man (who is the victim in the moment…) grabs the oppressive man with their highly needed signature and cuts off four fingers. The thumb, index, middle and ring.

‘ready to sign with your pinky?’

He gets the signature of course (dunno how with the signature dude bleeding and screaming all over the place.) but he not only doesn’t become the victim anymore (bleeding dude is) but he becomes the hero.

Okay now that was fun. Just thinking that story up. Gruesome. But according to one of my friends who enjoys horrific things, ‘it is beautiful.’

So yes. Ive been writing and only a few minutes have passed.

Won’t blogging run my laptop battery down and then… prevent me from looking up classes when my advisor finally DOES show up…

Oh well. Just like the beautiful dude who finds weird scary nightmarish things beautiful, I’m going to be carefree :D I like the sandals I’m wearing,

Red lipstick really fits me. I don’t know why.

It could be my skin color orrr because I have amazingly curved lips.

Okay I’m lying. They are not amazingly curvy but they’re :D well I can’t have lips and tell… lol geddit? Lip and tell?

Whatever. Sooo the fed ex bike in front of my looks like all those ice cream people on the roads in abj.

Good business in yola. Considering the weather and working masses.

But then… wait… won’t the weather need me to spend more time refrigerating the box on the bike more than spend time outside selling.

Oh well.

That’s economics for you.

Which I don’t need to take because I’ve done other general social science courses like ANTHRO AND SOCIO!!!!!!!!  J I’m so happy because I suck with anything that isn’t theorized. Okay fine I guess there’s theory in eco. BUT IT’S ECO!!! Lol anywayyy . Which were utterly boring (socio and anthro) – don’t even ask me why I have taken those courses. Tis a long story.

I am hungry.

I love how reciting the qur’an makes me less tense and angry. Can’t believe I was about to write arrogant. Okay. I am not arrogant. And okay I kind of lied.

Last night I was arrogant in a silent, bitchy way.

This dude that was serving salad in the saddening cafeteria got to me. And I showed him good.

I like myself.

You can hurt me however you want but when I retaliate im sorry but the theory… no hypothesis, of me being bipolar would come true.

Plus the mood swings. There’s this dude (beautiful dude who finds weird things beautiful but that’s up to him because a cool friend of mine thinks I am not judgmental) that I really like (on one day) and then really really hate the next.

I think ill go check out the diff btw general science and humanities. 

AdS

I talked to Adnan today. You know, he is pretty much the only boy I can talk to and express my mushy(I mean really really mushy) emotions to. He sounded so mature and manly. It’s been basically more than a year and he’s oh so big. I think he’s sixteen. Seventeen?

Anyway, talking to him on the phone made me almost cry. He thought of me, got my number and rang me up. Who has a heart to do that nowadays? He was shaving while we were talking. Lol.

He is simply the cutest.

When he called I was like, who is speaking… and when he said Adnan I literally started mellow freaking out. Mellow because I was not on campus. I was at an elderly person’s home and it would have just been rude to have freaked out. Freaked out because well, that is just me.i really want to go back to congo. Meet up with them and club and have drinks and well, just have fun with them. 

Something Old Something New Something Borrowed and Something Blue

I knew that bracelet was meant for me the second I saw it. It’s silver, with blue balls (LOL NO NOT THAT ONE) made out of what I don’t know, and hearts J I wore it with my blue gown today. It eerily and unexpectedly matched. Every time I moved it jingled. It was cute.

Something Borrowed. My darling roommate hadiza lent me her box today. In it lies a colorful secret. I will return it by the beginning of next week.

It’s so weird how for a whole semester, I’d been smiling and giggling hi at this boy and never stopped to make conversation. Today, I know I owe two amazing friends of mine BIG TIME. He’s the newest thing in my life. Let’s just hope this continues.

Something Old. I knew he was the one from afar. Which is how it’s always been; regardless of the fact that I’m shortsighted. Regardless of the fact that my glasses lay neglected on my bed shelf. He told me hi. He called me Maya. I love that. I haven’t seen him in weeks. He’s walking perfectly well now. But his signature slanting strides of his will never ever fadefrom my myopia-disturbed slash adorable eyes. He might be old, but I feel the same thing I felt for him a year ago. I do not know if he feels the same way, but it doesn’t matter. Because even if I we never ever end up together, I know that It was with him, though brief and inexplicable, I experienced love.

trip note.

What do you do when you can not have the one you love? It's not like i did not try anything. i did. He did. we just... I guess it's not Allah's willing. I can't just leave this to both of us. If it really was meant to be then something would have happened. But something did. And that is sincerely the annoying part. We acted out. Slowly. Like the first moments of erosion. Fact: I have gotten over each and every person I ever had something to do with. But not him. That is why I am worried. simply cause i have a feeling that since there was something there once and it's not going, maybe it's him. Buuut i;ve pictured myself telling him: "It's you," but in a subtle kind of way. You know... genesis.
But then what? We get in a relationship and he breaks my heart? The rumours become true and turns out he actually is a player? Or maybe i become so obsessed with him that letting go of him would be harder than letting go now?
You never know unless you try. well trying isn't my thing! Do you know how rejection just brings me down down down down down?

I wrote near Kano. I wrote it on my phone, cause it was a substitute to pen and paper. i didn't have feelings for him then anymore, cause someone kind of stole my heart. but it occured to me that... the new guy didn't steal my heart the way he did. it took some time before i got in a relationship this summer. but with him, the man i really care about, he didn't even need to try. and sadly enough, i think i'm not over him. and it's been a year now. Maybe coming to aun was the worst idea ever emotionally as well. because i'm confused. how do you NOT get over a guy even after a year? we never even had a thing going on!! help.

. i woke up feeling scared this evening. it was all my fault, i have to admit. Sleeping after Asr prayer is so like me, but very unlike any Muslim. It's not good to sleep at that time of the day. When i was supposed to have my normal siesta, i was busy taking walks with my friends. Turns out, as usual, fun has a price. Well. I had a dream. Muktar T. was there. Ahmed Y. was there. it was a normal aun evening, and we were hanging out. When all of a sudden, chaos erupted. There were government agents all over AUn, and there were orange lights everywhere. you know how the lights are on pool sides, like in hotel nacional, so the sky is dark and only lit by dim stars but the pool and the lights reflect all over and the floor's bight like crazy? well that's how it was. epecially near Rosaria. They were taking people away, something about reserving people. I was scared. You know what happens when i get scared. The people i love get detached from me and i'm left to suffer in hell. Well, They took Ahmed. They grabbed him, and convinced him that he had to go with them. Something was up. Everywhere was in chaos and I really mean it when I say, everywhere was in chaos. there was garbage everywhere, all of a sudden people looked like they had not bathed in days and instead of reeking, we were just covered in dirt. we had been digging. digging with our fingers mind you. every material good in this world disappeared, only a few were left, and they were in dirt mounds. we had to rummage for food, water and goods. all of a sudden i found myself paired up with this random girl, packing for the 'future'. Muktar was no where to be seen., He had been taking from right in front of me and i had no idea where to get him. But I knew where hmed was. He was at the backyard. they kept on dragging him by the shoulder. like if they let him go or walk by himself he would escape. they were makiing a deal. I could have gone there, to see what was up. but he didn't look like he was in need of help. they were negotiating. and we picked so many stupid things, like closets, plastic cups, and old earrings. ANd then I woke up.

I even though the dream just does not make the least bit of sense... i woke up really feeling frightened.

Am i that scared of losing my friends? even if they are... comfortable of being away from me? :S

I need help. And where was Muktar the whole time? I don't even know why i'm publishing this post with their names on it. I normally abbreviate the names or improvise. Maybe the dream has a meaning.

WELL. i ended up talking to my sister about the dream. i didnt give them full details. islamically we're not supposed to tell people what dreams we had, esp the nightmares. but i just need to let this one out. i'm partially scared.

i will have to pray more before i sleep and stop sleeping in broad daylight. i have a bio test, ill blog later.

tumblr is great btw. if blogspot messes up with me one more time i'm migrating :)

A Woman's Beauty

This is my fotieth post, even though im sure three to four of my previous posts were copy-pasted.

My friend just read out to me what a woman's beauty should be defined as, which is: A woman's beauty can be seen when she wakes up from sleep. That's wrong.

Men and women should be equal right? Well, i don't think a man awakening from sleep is beautiful. he's probably been snoring and drooling all night, probably had weird dreams i do NOT want to blog about, has sex hair, and maybe he's even a bed wetter. So why on earth should a lady be beautiful at THAT stage? anyway, making a point by pulling out the other person's flaws is wrong. hence, i shall tell you when to spot a beautiful lady.

You know that photographer that takes a picture of women immediately when they wake up? i don't either, just heard of him. Well, i think he should get his camera and get snapshots of ladies coming right out of the shower. Yes.

That is beauty. Minus the naked body of course, that's more artsy than photography. her hair soaking wet, matted down her face. her lips usually pink and soft, her eyes bright like glass, and her face pure. she always looks pure when she gets out. you could never guess what a person is when she's had her bath. you couldnt tell if she was out all night clubbing, or prostituting (is this a word), you couldn't tell if she was an engineer.

Water is essential. It truly makes a difference. I always analyze myself after i've had a shower. sometimes i even take pictures :)

Fear will be the death of me. I thought it would be for the love of people. But well, apparently. It isn’t. My mates are out there talking about how they can heal the world. While I am in hiding. Blogging about it. I always hated the movie characters that bailed in the last minute, only to come back and save the day after a three minute lecture and encouragement from the second important characters, who never even get the credit.. Well, that’s me right now. Attention seeking baby. Only this time, there is no one to save me. Just me. But guess what, ‘me’ is not strong. Not confident enough.

This obviously means I am going to grow up, and give up for the rest of my life. Why get married and have kiddies when I don’t even believe in myself? What is the use of bringing one individual down. I’m sure he’s going to want me for who I am. But after being together for a long time, he’ll notice I’m a parasite. I’ll just bring him down with my low self esteem and childish complaints. And no child wants a scared mother. There should be a survival of the fittest university. Where you have to do things for the sake of your life. And not for a certificate, or extra credits, or whatever. Or who knows, maybe I’ll just let the lion eat me up. Giving up is apparently what I do. I have given up on my goals, broken promises, heck I’ve even given up on telling the man that I love what mad emotions are surging inside of me because of him. Because I fear rejection. And I fear I am going to pull him from that cloud he’s on to the brown dirt I’m bent on relocating the people I love the most to.

M. was so right. Wasted Outfit. Wasted makeup. Wasted intellect.

Not doing this means #slacker #material. I want to avoid that. But there are so many buts in this.

- The internet sucks.

- I do not have enough time to study all of this.

- I have a nutrition test to study for.

- I doubt I have enough information.

- The people over there are most definitely gurus. I’m effed.

But my old class mate was so right. I have nothing to lose.

The grad here said I can kick ass.

Asmy said I should do it if I want to. And she believes in me.

E. said I should not back down. We;re in this.

Well.

I do have nothing to lose. This will be very beneficial sometime soon. I mean, do I really want to graduate with nothing at all? I think the media... ugh never mind,. meeting in ten. i'm out.

I Haven’t blogged in a while. Honestly speaking, I have been busy. Busy procrastinating. Busy trying to fall out of love. Busy in denial. Busy trying to convince myself I need to do something educational with my life. Busy asking myself why I cannot plan and DO. I have basically been busy being a baby. Ignore the tongue twister.

Right now I am in the basement. It is 12:40 a.m. And I am dead sleepy. Funny enough, I had four hours of sleep in the afternoon. I not only missed prayers, which is what I greatly need, considering all the petty problems I am continuously failing to solve. I did not go back to the library to do the heroic deed I had planned on doing. That is, well, go back and re-borrow (pardon me if that word does not exist) Al-Qaeda, a book about war I borrowed two weeks back and read only up to two pages. I refuse to blame the internet, simply because the same thing occurred to me during my December. I had Harry Potter and the Deathly hallows, as well as three parts of The Twilight Saga, and a book by Dan Brown I got from a friend all stacked on a shelf. As well as my sister’s four hundred level project from Maid. I didn’t read any of them.

Surely I read parts of them. Never once did I complete them. Books, Languages and particularly art define me! I know what has happened to me. It is just that I refuse to change for the better. I have taken up new obnoxious hobbies. I sleep, eat, and browse the net even when not necessary these days. What kind of person have I turned to?

When I was addicted to TV, at least I learned new vocab, cultures and innovations. At least I forced myself to leer away from the movie channels and watched a bit of Al jazeera and the History Channel. Now, I can count the number of times I watched satellite tv. Even the movies I get from my friends, I barely touch. I’m worse than lazy. I am a slacker. And I do it on purpose.

I have so many excuses for everything talking to me is just not worth it. I think my self esteem has sunk down to minus zero. And guess what, minus zero does not exist. I do not exist. See, exactly what I am trying to say. Zero Self Esteem.

I was talking to an old high school friend earlier. He had just finished Model United Nations in Kenya. It lasted for six weeks. Guess what, Six Weeks! There’s a World Environment Day Video Conference taking place on Friday. It’s just three hours. And I am already having second thoughts about participating in it. Well, I never wanted to do it in the first place. The president of the Nature Club I’m in, as well as my friend was the one that lured me into all this. I know I am forever grateful to her.

I just wish I could make promises and fulfil them, gather up courage and do what I want to do, stop being self conscious, try to help out people in beneficial and self serving ways, and be myself. I also wish I didn’t have to blame everyone for my problems. The first best friend I had is to be blamed for my trust issues. I break promises because I learned that from Agbada. We were so used to his air promises we just named it ‘da no ma’. It is haram and should not be a habit. It hurts people, emotionally and in my case right now, psychologically. I blame my self esteem’s low range because of mankind’s comments. Do I really need to be compared to my sisters? They are way out of my league. And people spot that out and throw it at my face.

Why did I get a big mouth for talking when all I do is complain, whine, and say what I am told to say, when I can use it for intellectual purposes? Can I just love my glasses and move on? Why do I need to move from good to worse? Life was so much easier as a child when it comes to building my dream. As a young artists. Socially, agbada RUINED it. In bs, I learned survival of the fittest. I realised why anorexic people liked being like that. I got a taste of the other side of the world. In drc, I learned I could write. Write really well. I had so much potential. Here. I have not learned a thing so far. I have just learned to slack and slack and I dislike that word. I not only skip prayers, I sleep too much, I need to be moved to do EVERYthing. I practically need a reason to live, when I can always live for myself. I I can read and get a full GPA but because I don’t want to do anything or engage in anything. I’m stuck in one place. The Mediocre Boulevard. Living cause I have to. And not because I want to.

I am an idiot. and I will die in my idiocy. and i am sick by the way. i just don't want to go to the hospital.. So if I die, I'll die due to illness, and i'll die in idiocy.

Maryam? Party? Nooo... You've Got the Wrong Girl.

“I have never seen you at a party before. Ever. Sai Yau” That’s what one of my friends told me last night at a friend’s birthday party. He is absolutely right. Of course I party, once per semester I suppose. Haha. Jesse Jagz concert went decently during spring semester. Maina’s party at silver Fall. And now this one. But don’t count on it being the last party of the semester. I not only had fun, I learned so much.

1. If you are self conscious, never ask your crazy friend to tell you how you look. Never. She will bring you down.

2. Having second thoughts, and third and fourth thoughts about going somewhere is normal. Especially for someone like me. Like seriously, I live a sedentary life so having to move miles and miles from my room is scary. And then consider other factors, it’s not your car, you probably don’t trust the driver, anything could happen.

3. Never go to a party alone. Go there with your friends, party with your friends, and in most cases leave with them. They’re fun, and will forever be fun.

4. You could always open up the dancefloor. Buuuh, preferably, sit yo ass down till you start listening . Planning a party is NOT beans. Helping out isn’t too.

5. It’s more fun/ (hectic too but) when you’re part of a party or know the celebrant cause you know you’ve got some rights to the fun. Get involved. If you’re going to a stranger’s party, mingle.

6. Serve, taste, serve, taste some more. Hehe

7. The boys are stupid, only the decent ones will ask you to dance. I could have danced with three guys but they were all retards, like they make silly statements. Instead of saying, ‘let’s dance’ they’ll be like, ‘I didn’t know u could dance,’. Or ‘I wanna see you dance’ etc etc. Don’t budge, if they don’t ask DON’T DANCE!!

8. One thing is imma party more, and do my own thing. And the next time i’m going for one I’ll be less worried about pointless things.

9. and I could go on and on but really, I don’t have the time. I wanna go chill.

Grande Poulet

So I am officially a chicken. I have a test to write and it is taking place... now. I have not studied much. I read one out of the three groups of slides, and it’s not like I crammed the damned thing or perused through it. Skimmed through it is the word. I know I do not understand the subject (I have planned it in my head that I will never understand it) but really? That’s like getting a zero out of twenty. Of whatever mark it’s out of. My friends are telling me it’s better to at least have gone to the classroom and attempted shit... attempt jackrabbit they mean right? Urgh I hate myself. What excuse am I going to tell my instructor!!!

Say Your Crush Enrolled In The Same CLass You're In, Unintentionally

So I began to wonder, when I realized there was some sort of creepy possibility that I could be stuck in the same class as my crush’s. My much much older crush, not age wise, but class year wise. And of course the thing is we were a thing, but not an official thing. I guess we had feelings for each other (well I did, and he did too, I guess; except we never talked about it...?? wierd much ??) but we never imagined we would wind in the same class!! Ok so anyway. Say we do... Do I drop the class with immediate effect, or ...? I mean if he dropped the class, even if he had a genuine reason. I would feel hurt. So I guess I would not drop the class. But then end up failing the class either because I was too shy in answering questions, or I spent the whole class times staring at him or day dreaming? or even worse... well there’s nothing worse than failing a class and having your crush know without having him come and support u... yeah it’s worse cause he would never wanna console you, he’s not your boyfriend. And even if he was your friend youd probably end up hating the son of a bitch because it was HIS fault in the first place... his fault for being so distractingly gorgeous as class held place.

I would drop the class.. Thanks to advice from my relationship guru, Aisha Y.

moustikue!

So I slept out last night. Bad idea? Yes and No. Of course with the heat yola keeps emanating even at night, sleeping outside was of great benefit to me. Slept on a mat, which shows that I have will, apparently. J Howeverrr, yes there always is the bad side to everything I experience. Bites, all over my body. Insect bites mosquito bites, my arms are red and swollen and they hurttt! Like hell. I can’t help it... they r itchy!! Arrrghhh! I have an eight oclock tomorrow... better get some sleep. Even though it’s just almost midnight :P

You know you're a duller when you're always online and waiting for notifications, tweets, buzzes from people. what can i do apart from tweet...

I could write.

but i have issues letting people read my stuff. So it can't happen maybe at home.,

I could Walk. Alone? No.

I could, swim, fridays, yes.

Draw. color pencils and stuff. :) yesh!

Town, i need to go there soon!

whatever. its two thirty and i have an eight oclock class... urgh.

C*...

You have no idea how upset I am right now. C+. Is that even a grade? The only class I ever got a C in back in high school was Physics... simply because it’s physics. This is so upsetting. I swear... urgh.

I don’t even know what is wrong with me.

Why am I so horrible at trusting people?

Ok, I know why. I have been betrayed and screwed over and over and over... again. Non stop. But when ninety eight percent of people tell you to NOT do something... is it not just natural for you to listen? I am a total idiot. I swear to god. Ridiculous little me.

Anyway. I’ll get over it. When I give birth maybe. Labour is worse than a C+. Yeppp.

He paced around the counter, wary of my disobedience. He obviously knew I was going to break the rules and sneak out of the house. Fadil couldn’t think of another way to stop me. I was loving this; the holy son was trying to prevent the careless niece from having fun. “Fadil, you know nothing’s going to prevent me from seeing Ahmad, right?” That did it. He reached up to me at the edge of the counter and faced me with an angry glare.

“Aqila!” He yelled. “my mother is ill. I don’t know what she was thinking, taking you in in the first place. Is this how you want to repay her?!” Surely, he was pissed. I actually felt bad about treating my aunt that way, attempting to worry her. But seeing Fadil act so over protective of me made me want to do more crazy things, and so I slyly said,

“No, Fadil. You’re boiling inside, you don’t want me to go simply because you loathe Ahmad. Sure you’ve got the brains, but he’s got everything. The looks, the personality, charisma, as well as the brains. And maybe...” I placed my index finger on the side of his face, and traced his forehead till his jaws. He suddenly cooled down. He wasn’t angry anymore. He was scared. Nervous, maybe. When last did this innocent young man feel a woman’s touch? Had he ever been touched by a female, apart from his mother? Regardless, I caressed his lips with my thumb. He was frozen in his posture, just as I slid down the counter and placed one hand on the nape of his neck, past all that brown curly hair that smelled like the cinnamon shampoo on the bathroom shelf, and pulled him closer. He was breathing heavily, and his eyes were completely focused on me. I entranced him! I set my right hand, which was on his pale pink yet soft lips on the side of his ear, partially covering the side of his face.

At this point I began to feel my heart skip a couple beats. I felt hot all over, and for a second or so I felt a little sensitive about what I was doing. That’s strange, I thought to myself, I never felt that way before. I ignored the feeling and focused on Fadil, not losing eye contact.

“Aqila... you shouldn’t.” He managed to stutter.

“Shh,” I whispered, “it’s only a kiss. Nothing more.” I tip toed a bit to reach up to his face and placed my lip onto his. I might have only wanted to play with the poor boys mind when I was sitting on the counter. However now that I was practically attached on his body, my mind had different intentions. At first when I kissed him, he didn’t respond. A few seconds later, he took me by the waist, pulled me even closer to him and kissed me back. He was not aggressive, like all the other boys I had ever kissed. His was warm, and slow. I did not want him to let go of me. The funny part was the calculated boy wasn’t ...

sOMETHING Bowt Me

here's a peek at maryam @ from last semesterrr.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

1. My alias is Maya Andrews. Now that you know this I will have to change it.

2. I prefer doing certain things myself. Like wash my own hair cause I know how hard or soft my head would like to be touched.

3. I can be extremely self conscious and have low self esteem but sometimes I’m so confident you don’t want to be near me.

4. I walk in the midst of people cause people don’t notice my flaw(sss) so much. Besides, when people stare at me a lot I trip.

5. I want to adopt a daughter in the distant future. When I am rich and all (Insha Allah). However being open minded and all, I might change my mind. Don’t blame me if you see me with five children in the distant, DISTANT future.

6. I always sleep late when I have eight o’clock classes. It’s a curse that can’t (won’t) be changed.

7. I learn more about myself and change when people ask me questions or when they state things about me. The other day I was asked what I liked to do for fun. I didn’t have an answer. So I realized that I needed to get a life. I was once told that I was inquisitive. I then noticed I asked more questions than actually conversed during CONVERS(E)ations.

8. Because I was acquainted with people who spoke English as a third or so language, and realized English isn’t everything (and not even one of my fave subjects) I stopped laughing at Tabs, bullets, etc. Unless if it was iconic. ;)

9. I fear God and death when I am reminded of them. When I pray, which is a daily routine, I do not fear God. I just pray cause of my religion. But when I listen to God’s saying, preachings such as the translation of some verses of the Qur’an, I get really scared.

10. I no longer wish to be an only child. Distance changes people.

11. I love sleeping, writing, watching cartoons, talking too much, being hyper.

12. My favourite colors are blue, lime and lilac.

13. I love boys a little too much, apparently.

14. I think everything is cute, sexy, righteous, or awesome. My friends noticed that. I didn’t.

15. I don’t notice things. Or maybe I do and then I forget them.

16. Certain things like music, scents, movies, and the weather remind me of certain pages of my past.

17. I don’t want to die. Not anymore.

18. I enjoy taking fun surveys on FB because I learn more about myself. See #7.

19. I value people too much. It will lead to my downfall.