RelieF

I feel so relieved right now you have no idea.
Yes, my previous blogpost contradicts this one: my friends think I am bipolar. I of course highly agree and disagree (yes, more bipolar traits). I disagree because as all you 90210 viewers have witnessed, Silver and her bipolar-ism is just too sickening a disease for one to claim. I agree because I have the ability to change minds feeling decisions and all that jazz in the blink of an eye. I feel very relieved, bipolar or not.
Contradictory or not.
I feel like I have this major sense of accomplishment surging through me right now I could jump and jubilate. If not for the soreness in my body. I had a whole whop of responsibilities on my shoulders this morening, and I accomplished them all. Successfully or not, you be the judge. I passed in various ways- cleaned up the house, arranged the rooms, made lunch (general lunch and specific lunch), had a guest over (okay it was myra and heebah and they’re family but still), gave out the address to my house almost perfectly okay, survived my toddler of a nephew (some think he is my son), he had so much chocolate and candy and sugar he started cabo snooping everywhere. But I survived it all. I even survived watching a close member of mine weep in pain.
I have a very close blood who is ill. I would do anything. I mean it, anything, to trade places with X. Not because I want to. But because X does NOT deserve to be ill. She has a family, a good better half and a lovely child, and a home, anda job and if not an academic career, that X should be attending to. Not weeping away every night in pain. I feel for X. All I can do is say sorry, and give love to X’s son, who is also my son. I feel compared to X, my life is stupid. I complain about friends who betray me, and people who dislike me, and how I got a C on a test, how I cannot date any boy because they all have flaws that cannot be changed, and how I want the latest gadget, and why people get angry and jealous, and every other unnecessary secondary material/ issue- when there are way more important things out there. Like X, who is sick and would give anything to stop feeling the pain and handle their family. I know I should be praying for X, I do that all the time, believe you me. I also know it is naive of me to want to be that ill. X is the strongest person I know. If I had to be in X’s position, I would not be blogging this. I would be long gone. I am weak, compared to X. no I am not under estimating myself. This is the part where one has to understand, seeing is believing. I do wish X the greatest of recovery, because Kululu needs a loving parent.
I put my son to bed, and now I have finished this blogpost, I did things on time, and I feel close religious wise. All I need to do today is take a hot aromatherapy (lavender in particular) shower, and jump into my pajama dress and maybe watch some south park. Today, was great. Thanks to everyone around me.

that inexplicable pressure from within

I just want to scream and shout and tear my hair and eyes out. Okay that was a bit over dramatic. I am not in place at the moment. I want to just weep and weep and weep and sleep off and wake up the next day. Id have a banging headache of course but inside I’d feel so refreshed. Like I was a few days ago. I’m not in place I’m not in place I’m not in place. Everything is just a haze. Because I cannot talk about anything with anyone. It just hurts. I’m in this position where I cannot think or move. I’m in a cube of ice, in a foggy dessert. That’s what it is. Im frozen, in this blistering cold, and to make matters worse, there is this annoying fog that prevents me from seeing ahead. The stupid dessert is making things worse, I’m at this point of equilibrium where I can’t quite tell whether the weather is nice or not
Ive seen people go through worse. But fuck it I just need someone to talk to. Where the hell is my stalker and my other bunch of friends (you that’s reading this) when you need them.