I Haven’t blogged in a while. Honestly speaking, I have been busy. Busy procrastinating. Busy trying to fall out of love. Busy in denial. Busy trying to convince myself I need to do something educational with my life. Busy asking myself why I cannot plan and DO. I have basically been busy being a baby. Ignore the tongue twister.

Right now I am in the basement. It is 12:40 a.m. And I am dead sleepy. Funny enough, I had four hours of sleep in the afternoon. I not only missed prayers, which is what I greatly need, considering all the petty problems I am continuously failing to solve. I did not go back to the library to do the heroic deed I had planned on doing. That is, well, go back and re-borrow (pardon me if that word does not exist) Al-Qaeda, a book about war I borrowed two weeks back and read only up to two pages. I refuse to blame the internet, simply because the same thing occurred to me during my December. I had Harry Potter and the Deathly hallows, as well as three parts of The Twilight Saga, and a book by Dan Brown I got from a friend all stacked on a shelf. As well as my sister’s four hundred level project from Maid. I didn’t read any of them.

Surely I read parts of them. Never once did I complete them. Books, Languages and particularly art define me! I know what has happened to me. It is just that I refuse to change for the better. I have taken up new obnoxious hobbies. I sleep, eat, and browse the net even when not necessary these days. What kind of person have I turned to?

When I was addicted to TV, at least I learned new vocab, cultures and innovations. At least I forced myself to leer away from the movie channels and watched a bit of Al jazeera and the History Channel. Now, I can count the number of times I watched satellite tv. Even the movies I get from my friends, I barely touch. I’m worse than lazy. I am a slacker. And I do it on purpose.

I have so many excuses for everything talking to me is just not worth it. I think my self esteem has sunk down to minus zero. And guess what, minus zero does not exist. I do not exist. See, exactly what I am trying to say. Zero Self Esteem.

I was talking to an old high school friend earlier. He had just finished Model United Nations in Kenya. It lasted for six weeks. Guess what, Six Weeks! There’s a World Environment Day Video Conference taking place on Friday. It’s just three hours. And I am already having second thoughts about participating in it. Well, I never wanted to do it in the first place. The president of the Nature Club I’m in, as well as my friend was the one that lured me into all this. I know I am forever grateful to her.

I just wish I could make promises and fulfil them, gather up courage and do what I want to do, stop being self conscious, try to help out people in beneficial and self serving ways, and be myself. I also wish I didn’t have to blame everyone for my problems. The first best friend I had is to be blamed for my trust issues. I break promises because I learned that from Agbada. We were so used to his air promises we just named it ‘da no ma’. It is haram and should not be a habit. It hurts people, emotionally and in my case right now, psychologically. I blame my self esteem’s low range because of mankind’s comments. Do I really need to be compared to my sisters? They are way out of my league. And people spot that out and throw it at my face.

Why did I get a big mouth for talking when all I do is complain, whine, and say what I am told to say, when I can use it for intellectual purposes? Can I just love my glasses and move on? Why do I need to move from good to worse? Life was so much easier as a child when it comes to building my dream. As a young artists. Socially, agbada RUINED it. In bs, I learned survival of the fittest. I realised why anorexic people liked being like that. I got a taste of the other side of the world. In drc, I learned I could write. Write really well. I had so much potential. Here. I have not learned a thing so far. I have just learned to slack and slack and I dislike that word. I not only skip prayers, I sleep too much, I need to be moved to do EVERYthing. I practically need a reason to live, when I can always live for myself. I I can read and get a full GPA but because I don’t want to do anything or engage in anything. I’m stuck in one place. The Mediocre Boulevard. Living cause I have to. And not because I want to.