The incense was just a tiny piece of wood, basically about a third of my index finger. However once it had been ignited its wonderful scent filled the room up. It seemed as if one had walked into the home of a newlywed, particularly that of a Maiduguri home. The shisha pot sat on the blue and gray carpet, now untouched. The carpet had not been intended to be a shisha carpet. But a couple of barely seeable burnt marks had been made. The ashes on the now dying coal continued to increase and shuffle down like a mellow avalanche on a mountain. The pot was small, ruby in color and beautiful...
Soooo, after a miniature writer’s block, i could only come up with this.
I’ve got so much to write about. Like a certain nightmare. But i can’t seem to mix up my words. I still don’t know why.
“but you broke me, now i can’t feel anything”
I was watching the Vampire Diaries, and Jeremy and Bonnie were having a moment, and the background music hit me. It was broken strings by james morrison. But of course i could not remember who had sang (sung? Hehe) the song. So i obviously googled it up (god bless the web) and the funny thing is although i couldnt remember who had sung it, the lyrics ust flowed from the tip of my tongue. Back in high school i was so in love with the song, and the song didn’t even speak to me then. Not that it does now.
I mean everyone wants to believe the quoted line from the song is what is wrong with me. But it is not the case. I was not broken the way you’d think. I just invested my emotions on temporary matter. And now i refuse to feel, let alone allow anyone to feel me. I refuse to be felt. Get your dirty mind away from there. and this isn’t because i don’t want to be hurt. Not everyone has an agenda to hurt me. I’m not george w. Bush. The thing is, i don’t want to hurt whoever wants to make me feel happy.
Weird right? But that is it. I can’t reciprocate anything. Kiss me, i’ll just stand there and look at you. Hug me, and i might sense a teensy bitsy bit of care. Tell me you care about me and i’ll appreciate it. i won’t tell you any of those back, or express myself. As much as i’d want to. Thing is, i refuse to be felt.
I doubt i need time to heal. I need to forget. That’s what i need to do. And its about time that occured because as much as i’m sure it’s in my awesome people’s best interest, it sure as hell is more in my best interest. Time isn’t going to wait for me. The more i linger in this blunt feeling im feeling the more the people the give a damn about me will leave me. Okay they care about me, they wouldn’t leave. But patience isn’t permanent. So Maryam Y, get your butt out of that saddening stage and feeeeeel!
Like today for example, i called papi. YES I DID. I suck at keeping in touch. My excuse is i need time for myself and by the way communication is a two way thing. BUT. Okay it is, whats your excuse?
But anyway yeah the thing is i suck at remembering stuff (you’d think i’d use that and forget the last 14 months of my emotions. Yes i know it’s a long time. But yh. C’est l’amour. ) so remembering to call someone or get their number email and blah blah or home address was kind of hard. But i felt SO good about myself, this time I was the one who called him and he was so happy. It was so obvious from the other end of the line. Really miss him. I should do the same with family and friends you see. It’s not when you need things or when youre with your family n stuff that you remember to ask how other people are doing.
Just the way i got a phone call from my kilishi buddy. it had been forever since we really chilled and gisted and everything.
A phone call does the same thing a smile does in Nigeria, heck the world over. En’du Saro mada, the fulani say. I think this is enough for today.
Yeah it didn’t make sense, i talked about three things in one blog, or even more than three. So this is a start for someone who was on an involuntary (or was it? ;) ) hiatus.
Ciao
Oh bali, seychelles and canary islands for me, iodised moi moi, and megaphile paedophile. J
One love.
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