C*...

You have no idea how upset I am right now. C+. Is that even a grade? The only class I ever got a C in back in high school was Physics... simply because it’s physics. This is so upsetting. I swear... urgh.

I don’t even know what is wrong with me.

Why am I so horrible at trusting people?

Ok, I know why. I have been betrayed and screwed over and over and over... again. Non stop. But when ninety eight percent of people tell you to NOT do something... is it not just natural for you to listen? I am a total idiot. I swear to god. Ridiculous little me.

Anyway. I’ll get over it. When I give birth maybe. Labour is worse than a C+. Yeppp.

He paced around the counter, wary of my disobedience. He obviously knew I was going to break the rules and sneak out of the house. Fadil couldn’t think of another way to stop me. I was loving this; the holy son was trying to prevent the careless niece from having fun. “Fadil, you know nothing’s going to prevent me from seeing Ahmad, right?” That did it. He reached up to me at the edge of the counter and faced me with an angry glare.

“Aqila!” He yelled. “my mother is ill. I don’t know what she was thinking, taking you in in the first place. Is this how you want to repay her?!” Surely, he was pissed. I actually felt bad about treating my aunt that way, attempting to worry her. But seeing Fadil act so over protective of me made me want to do more crazy things, and so I slyly said,

“No, Fadil. You’re boiling inside, you don’t want me to go simply because you loathe Ahmad. Sure you’ve got the brains, but he’s got everything. The looks, the personality, charisma, as well as the brains. And maybe...” I placed my index finger on the side of his face, and traced his forehead till his jaws. He suddenly cooled down. He wasn’t angry anymore. He was scared. Nervous, maybe. When last did this innocent young man feel a woman’s touch? Had he ever been touched by a female, apart from his mother? Regardless, I caressed his lips with my thumb. He was frozen in his posture, just as I slid down the counter and placed one hand on the nape of his neck, past all that brown curly hair that smelled like the cinnamon shampoo on the bathroom shelf, and pulled him closer. He was breathing heavily, and his eyes were completely focused on me. I entranced him! I set my right hand, which was on his pale pink yet soft lips on the side of his ear, partially covering the side of his face.

At this point I began to feel my heart skip a couple beats. I felt hot all over, and for a second or so I felt a little sensitive about what I was doing. That’s strange, I thought to myself, I never felt that way before. I ignored the feeling and focused on Fadil, not losing eye contact.

“Aqila... you shouldn’t.” He managed to stutter.

“Shh,” I whispered, “it’s only a kiss. Nothing more.” I tip toed a bit to reach up to his face and placed my lip onto his. I might have only wanted to play with the poor boys mind when I was sitting on the counter. However now that I was practically attached on his body, my mind had different intentions. At first when I kissed him, he didn’t respond. A few seconds later, he took me by the waist, pulled me even closer to him and kissed me back. He was not aggressive, like all the other boys I had ever kissed. His was warm, and slow. I did not want him to let go of me. The funny part was the calculated boy wasn’t ...

sOMETHING Bowt Me

here's a peek at maryam @ from last semesterrr.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

1. My alias is Maya Andrews. Now that you know this I will have to change it.

2. I prefer doing certain things myself. Like wash my own hair cause I know how hard or soft my head would like to be touched.

3. I can be extremely self conscious and have low self esteem but sometimes I’m so confident you don’t want to be near me.

4. I walk in the midst of people cause people don’t notice my flaw(sss) so much. Besides, when people stare at me a lot I trip.

5. I want to adopt a daughter in the distant future. When I am rich and all (Insha Allah). However being open minded and all, I might change my mind. Don’t blame me if you see me with five children in the distant, DISTANT future.

6. I always sleep late when I have eight o’clock classes. It’s a curse that can’t (won’t) be changed.

7. I learn more about myself and change when people ask me questions or when they state things about me. The other day I was asked what I liked to do for fun. I didn’t have an answer. So I realized that I needed to get a life. I was once told that I was inquisitive. I then noticed I asked more questions than actually conversed during CONVERS(E)ations.

8. Because I was acquainted with people who spoke English as a third or so language, and realized English isn’t everything (and not even one of my fave subjects) I stopped laughing at Tabs, bullets, etc. Unless if it was iconic. ;)

9. I fear God and death when I am reminded of them. When I pray, which is a daily routine, I do not fear God. I just pray cause of my religion. But when I listen to God’s saying, preachings such as the translation of some verses of the Qur’an, I get really scared.

10. I no longer wish to be an only child. Distance changes people.

11. I love sleeping, writing, watching cartoons, talking too much, being hyper.

12. My favourite colors are blue, lime and lilac.

13. I love boys a little too much, apparently.

14. I think everything is cute, sexy, righteous, or awesome. My friends noticed that. I didn’t.

15. I don’t notice things. Or maybe I do and then I forget them.

16. Certain things like music, scents, movies, and the weather remind me of certain pages of my past.

17. I don’t want to die. Not anymore.

18. I enjoy taking fun surveys on FB because I learn more about myself. See #7.

19. I value people too much. It will lead to my downfall.

Stuff Since Late 2009

weird shit. had to remove it. its s blog, not a diary.

Pain. Remorse. Reflection.

It is the last day of spring 2010. I can’t believe it is over. A few months ago I was in my green and black trads, boarding Arik airways, hiding tears of grief. I was going to yola, and leaving my family and abode was torture. I did not want to come back to Abti. The school of drama would be an understatement to AUN. Considering I barely even went for social events or made millions of friends. Now it is over, and I cannot help but reflect.

I think I fell in love. Okay, I am unfortunately the kind of person that cherishes at least one thing in one person. Well for this boy,

Ugh nevermind talking about him won’t bring him back. I cannot tell if he likes me or not anymore, some things he does makes me know for sure he wants me just as much as I want him, but in other cases I feel he resents me even by just sighting me.

Departures suck you have no idea. I have three friends that I may not see until august, or in the case of my friend who is leaving tomorrow, june. I met them late last year but I feel so connected to them; even though we barely talk. I wish they could stay for summer, even for just hi’s and hello’s.

Listening to carter burwells song, Bella’s lullaby. It’s making me feel hideous pangs of remorse. I hope my results turn out okay. Went for a walk with S and F today. I love how they didn’t leave me out in their convo’s and even sort of analyzed me. Apparently when I’m quiet I look upset and when I talk I’m all gleeful. J I like that. I wish we could have walked forever. But then our legs would cut off and we would lack things to say. Funny thing is even when we were in the midst of some awkward silence, it never felt awkward. S is the type of man all guys need to be. As for F, I’m so comfortable around her. Which I love so much. I will miss her.

So the window was let open for forever and there r insects all over the room. They are silently flying around, creepy crawlers on my bed... I am seconds from throwing up. As much as I would love for the internet connection to fix itself... I am happy it is not. I am using the time to reflect on this semester.

I slacked so much and ended up writing simple exams. Sociology and Civ exams weren’t funny though. As for the rest they rocked.

I think what is inspiring me to write this much is I do not remember.

Okay, I remember. A’s friend S blogs, and my friend btBoy blogs as well, and I’ve seen both their blogs, and I do think it would be wonderful if I write down stuff I’m feeling as well. I am not only going to improve my vocab and writing skills, but I get to release the pain or whatever I’m feeling. Sure I have to make my blog private, since I know there r a bunch of people who would oh so love to take out stuff from my blog and talk bout it... blackmail yeah?

Thing is, I won#t mention names. You can tell who I’m talking bout if we are close friends. Yep. Listening to Wake me Up, Evanescence. I need that.

I need to wake up and find I have it easy. Life is easy. H’s charms, A’s looks, Am’s brain, Z’s wits, M’s skills, B’s diplomacy and M’s generosity and religiousness. I don’t know whether religiousness is a word but still. See if I had all those qualities I would not have a sedentary life.

False.

I do not need all these qualities, it would make me perfect. Imperfections are realistic. Perfection is unrealistic. Ok thoughtology.. sorry. ß THAT is definitely wrong. Anyway. I guess I like how I am. Random, forgetful, talkative, not so focused. People think it’s cute. Even though I dislike these “qualities”.

Ok I think I’ve written enough,

I’m going home to relax tomorrow. :D but before that, I’m gonna go to GPB.. got some unfinished business.

Today was amazing by the way. Wrote an awesome exam, it rained, the weather was soothing, hung out with friends. J really wish it would be like this every day. Alhamdulillah. Saw sum as well. J and Ahmad.

I'm writing an exam tomorrow morning. Do you know what? i have no idea whatsoever of what i am doing. i got the syllabus early this semester. and guess what, I did not even touch it. this is gunna suck. i sweaa!