Future Plans

            I have made up my mind. The next boy I go out with must be my husband (note the switching of should or would to must). Blame the intense levels my heart can reach when it develops sentiments for a man. I am only over my first love because I got the closure. My ex is a different story. Being a cocky fuck and still present at the university I go to has made things worse. I find it easier to forget people things or memories when they are not in sight and in the past, memorable (cc cuba, mitko) or not (bwari etc). this boy, is not going anywhere. To make things worse, he is a cocky fuck. But that is not why I am writing this. Honestly I have lost the zeal in writing about boys when they are not even worth it.

That is the reason why I am writing this: the zeal. I do not understand why I would invest my feelings (for me to use a business term like invest in my blog… is a big deal) yes as I was saying. I cannot invest my feelings, months and months, my body my mind my soul and anything im working on at that particular time (academic career, project, hobby) on a boy, just to have him throw it all away by not being serious.

I have probably reached this stage of maturity, I am getting out of my teenage years after all, where I am realizing that everything matters. I want to have a relationship that will last forever. Sure I don’t believe in everlasting love that is EQUALLY MUTUAL, but if Im going to spend ten, twenty, thirty or more years with ONE person, I might as well build a decent foundation that will nourish and uphold the rest of the building. It’s not easy.

So why would I decide to date thinking ‘he could be the one.?’ Does that even make sense? That is gambling mayn! I know, I have been unfair to all those boys; truly I have lost count… but this is in my best interest. Why would I go out with you because you’re nice, have a nice smile, or cause you’re rich, intellectual, self established, religious, or simply cause you like me?

First off, you haven’t made an effort of truly being my friend, and then you just happened to ‘develop# feelings for me? I’m not twelve, this is not a judy blume book and you, as a man, happen to be an excellent liar. Secondly, you probably have a flaw that I can’t possibly live with: you’re still not over your ex, or you sit down with me and DISCUSS your ex (while you’re still trying to get me to go out with you o) or you’re still a boy with boyish and childish attitudes, or youre so into yourself you just think I’m worth being yours. No, I’m not mentioning these flaws cause of some dude, I’m mentioning them because I have a flaw too: I am impatient and the slightest thing irks me.

So I don’t have the zeal. You want me cause I’m nice, honest, reliable, pretty, intellectual and funny, go get a Television set, that’ll provide you with all the channels that can provide all those entertaining qualities. I’ve been hurt, and that may or may have not contributed to my scrutiny on all things male and relationship wise. But this is the bitter truth, I refuse to become an object of time whiling. You want me, prove to me you’re interested for good. I’m wanted by many and I cannot be bothered saying no when you damn well know the answer.

It’s final. My next boyfriend is going to be my husband.