I Do Not Know... Thoughts and More.

The Objective of the issue (ssss). It's so weird. I should be working on my final research paper but somehow I wound up here.  Is wound up here even grammatically correct? I'm listening to shy boy by Jordan Sparks, and it solely reminds me of Summer I. Okay not solely, it reminds me of a lot of things.

But that is not the point. The main point is I am typing like crazy on here, but when I pull up my research paper. Nothing. Nada. Niet. Wala. Okay I am lying. Personally I just don't have any single interest in this.

I chose Eq. Guinea because it's a country a lot of people do not know about, thought the media would be decent to understand and also because my elder siblings (Can siblings be older... I know, I am very conscious about languages because they are one of my talents... and no I refuse to be modest at what I know best.) 

Funny how I misspelled conscious and nearly added it to the dictionary. Would have ruined me because I use that word a lot and I misspell it most of the time.

So yes. I am alone in the basement. It’s two twenty one a.m. and intoxicated, Jesse jagz is on. It reminds me of a friend, who once tweeted that he can’t ever get over this song.

I was upset earlier.

Exactly why I wanted to blog. Just wanted to give you the benefit of knowing that I procrastinate and get writer's block when it comes to research papers. Because I gotta get info from people I do not know but are deemed credible by databases (that I do not trust) like jstor or simply because they are .org or .edu websites. Do you know how I distrust Wikipedia and .com sites because of library orientation... hmmm... which is shameful cause if only you knew how much wikipedia helped me back in high school.

SPECIAL REFERENCE CHEMISTRY.

lol.

I’m confused; I promised I would be the one to call. But that meant I would have to call the shots. And personally, I don't want any flipping ball in my court. 

I really want this. I really do. 

Sorry. Was thinking. But you wouldn't have known that because it's a text... and not... oh never mind. 

You know what sucks right now. more than the fact that I have two exams on Saturday, two more on Sunday, and NOTHING on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday, and also what sucks more than me and lui not together because of taurin kai (how do you spell??) and what sucks more than me dulling when I was supposed to be cheery and crazy cause I was with my almost but not equally crazy and cheery penguins of Madagascar loving friends but really wasn’t cheery and was thoughtful , silent and distant and sucks more than me having to spend my December in Yola... the fact that I DON'T KNOW.

I want to know. It’s not like I care. I do care, that's why I’m thinking about it every minute of my life. That's why I am blogging about this instead of looking at my research paper. It's not because I am a nerd. Certainly not cause I have no one to tell, everyone knows. It is because I care. I care but I do not KNOW.

I want to know the other Point of Views. I want to feel. I want to feel. You have no idea how many emotions are surging through me right now. You don't know how much I want to cry, but for what reason?

I want to blame the thoughts and hurt in me on lui. But for what reason? I keep asking myself.

I want to tell myself I am not hurting. I don't feel hurt. But apparently something must have triggered my emotions. I mean... eerrr... why the silence? Where’s freaky Maya?

These questions can be answered. They really can. 

Lui: falta de comunicación. 

I have four exams in two consecutive days with two each day in short intervals. Of COURSE I’ll be thinking.

I’ve got a flipping instructor who is more bipolar and more forgetful than me. And you do NOT want to know what that means. Okay you do = CHAOS AND ANGRY STUDENTS THAT FEEL BETRAYED

Poor decision making. <-okay that sounds like it came out of a textbook. Haha. sbe maybe? or cmd???

Silence because I can't possibly talk forever. Okay I can... journalist in the making HELLO!! but yh, you get me. I need sometime to myself. These horoscopes make sense... We Aquarians need our space. Yeah you heard right and no... You READ right, I'm an Aquarius Lady. There's two sides to me (so not gbagaun, tis American English) I could phase any second and you wouldn't do anything about it.

I was really happy about the matured Maryam, in control, serious, calculative and more than usually thoughtful. But now... it's scaring me.

I miss having people decide for me. 

The Dream, the Theories and the Change of Mind

 I sincerely do not know why I had a dream about you. But I feel indifferent about it all. Okay weirded out simply because well, I feel like I am over you. I act stupid around you and the simplest eye contact can bring the feelings back but that’s not what I am saying. I don’t weep about you anymore, I don’t have you on my mind 24/7, I just know you were a part of my life at one point in time, and you meant a lot to me. But I don’t feel like I love you anymore. And I am willing to let you go. So yes, I am indifferent.

But then having you in my subconscious mind all of a sudden is freaking me out. I’m lying I’m not freaked out. I’m enjoying this actually. Behind the weird context of a possibility of wanting you back. So yes. What if you come from nowhere and say we should get together. Well let’s just summarize my media dependency theory. Since it’s a dream i am most likely not going to forget…

Honestly speaking, I think these theories make a whole lot of sense. The thing is, I simply do not fully agree with them. As a liberalist, there is no way I can read about these theories and nod my head and say, fact. They make sense, they rectify some incidents, but what are they trying to say? That people are being controlled by their own inventions?

Okay back to me thoughts

am a hypocrite. Yes. I am not going to deny that. For what benefit? There are things that I would vow never to do, and then I end up doing them. Sometimes out of compulsion (convincing) and sometimes out of will. This time. It happened. Out of will.

I wrote the above weeks ago, just thought it’s proper that I posted it.

The Pizza I Didn't Eat, The Research Paper I Didn't Write, The Problem We Didn't Resolve, But I'm all Smiles. . .

so today was a day i cant possibly fathom would ever happen to me...
I know there's drama and chaos and sits in my life but today's was...
the second point id like to point out (haha point id like to point.. get it? lol. oh whatever, whats the point?)  is that i have always considered myself to be selfish. i tend to have zero self esteem, i tend to be self conscious, i tend to dwell in my past and dwell even some more in past actions.
and the third is i found out that i still have the ability to sacrifice. you know how people think chivalry is dead but well, and then this prince charming comes along, whisks you away and apparently and all of a sudden chivalry ISN'T dead.... well this is what happened to me tonight.
and wow whee, tonight is the first of december... hmmm
so YESH. BACK TO MY POINT
i found out, tonight, the first of december.. that, oh sorry 2010, ... two years before the 'end of the world' haha that i still love my friends and i still have the heart to let go of things that i care about and attend to others. not that anyone needed attending to, i mean none of the chickens (which i love oh so very much) listened to my advice but ya za ayi? abi ya zan iya.
so anyway, i'm just pleased that i wasn't self absorbed in a pessimistic and saddening way.
i was there for my buddies, i wasn't biased (OK I MIGHT HAVE BEEN BUT I INTENDED NOT TO BE SO THERE!)
oh and the thing i missed out on was i lost the chance to be with my grizzly bear. i'm going to be optimistic like he is, and hope there's another chance. and yes there will be another chance.
oh i also sacrificed my pizza with Sashaaa :) which doesnt matter cause grizzly bear offered to take us back to the pizzeria but i just said no, didnt want anything further to happen.
and then the other thing i sacrificed was my research paper. i know its due on the 14th but mahhn, it's like ten flipping pages long, boring and i have exams before the fourteenth so i need time and space to study for them.
and I can only do that when i am done with the paper and have nothing else on my mind.
anyway
i shouldnt gloat about my love for my friends, people already know i'm awesome (more gloating)
so yes. heading on to my research paper.

The Things You Hear Behind the Blasting Speakers At PIBZ

You only hear weird comments in clubs. Weird phrases like the following.

“I think your nose just touched my eye.”

And

“I can feel the beat in my anus.”

And

“I think I’m going to grind my cousin.”

The first one happened when I was trying to talk to my friend’s boyfriend. Because of the more 

than loud speakers banging behind us, he had to lean in closer so he could hear me. As he did, the tip of his almost perfectly chiseled nose tip brushed the white of my right eye. And yeah F, I know you are reading this and yeaaap your bf has a decently cool nose :D

Of course it was weird. But it just made me laugh because I normally don’t get noses in my eye.

The second one happened near the corner. There were about three speakers all faced in our direction, and I promise you I could feel the beat in my anus. It was like, ‘dum, dum, du-dum,’ hahah.

It was really funny.

The third one. Is. Even. More. dramatic. I’m saying ‘is’ cause it still is. She not only grinded him; There was a little bit more to it than juust grinding.

J love my friends. Like sosai sosai. 

Streams

Only in my best interest? I cannot believe you did this to me. If you really were my friend you would have known I hate surprises.

How the fuck do I summarize points?

This is not really what I want. I promise you.

Stand there and look stupid?

I hate you. Why did we ever get introduced?

I guess I’ll keep my thoughts to myself.

Apparently over here when you find someone good looking it means you like him.

Ugh.

^ this is a major example of stream of consciousness.

I swear to you this governmental bullshit that I’ve got spread in front of me is not in any way related to media in Africa.

How do I tell you no. and you too. And you too… NO no NO NO NO NO.

 Poverty, Gender, and Nigerian Media

Women usually represent over half of the population in most countries of the world. It is evident that women perform two thirds of the world’s work, earn ten percent of the world’s income and own less than 1% of the world’s property (McClintock 1996). In Nigeria, culture and religion are causes of why women are suffering in poverty and exclusion while men consume a larger share of resources.

Women are given little voice through Nigerian media and are demeaned in multiple ways. They are not key players in the media. Upon conducting research on 15 women who read newspapers,

Did you kiss?

Did you kiss?

No.

Did you?

No. we didn’t.

Did you kiss?

Yes and it was magnificent. Obviously wet cause I had tears falling all over my face  but I could not help but kiss him too as he held on to me so tight i was practically glued to his clothes. By the time he slowly let go of me I was not hurting inside anymore, and we were not leaning in one corner of the common room. We were in his room, on his bed and half undressed.

He promised!

He promised!

I get scared when people make promises or vows. Because as a pessimist, I know it’s not ever going to happen. But when it does… I kind of feel indebted to them.

Ask me why I am jealous again… I should not be. No tengo que ser celosa.

Failed to keep my thoughts to my self. Now I look like some psycho. I really thought we had things in common. I thought right.

I guess payback really is a bitch.

What is up with me and really?

I am jealous. I am so jealous it is hurting. Not ‘so jealous’ in an extremely disturbing way. I just mean so jealous in an ‘in three aspects kinda way’

Mi cara mi hombre y mi cerebro.

Grosse.

I know.

Stream of consciousness is fun.

But did you notice how a lot of them r negative?

I believe aroma therapies make me feel better.

See, it’s negative. Since when did a shower gel become a happiness emitter.

Maybe I should be like him. An optimist.

More negativity again. Said maybe.,

I like evanescence.

I can’t even call my mother and selfishly cry to her about how much I am hurting.

Because the service is dreadful.

And the tears are falling from my face.

No! I don’t want them to fall on the keys. I can’t have my laptop crash again. Not cause then I would shamefully have to call my dad and tell him the lappie survived only two weeks before it crashed yet again.

But because I don’t want to be reminded about how a device died because of tears caused by two boys, friends, and education.

Are they worth the tears?

Yes.

But not tears of an emotional self destructive persona like moi. Help?

I just realized I was crying without any underwear on.

It made me laugh, and subsided the tears.

I weep too much.

At least this semester I won’t be going back to school miserable and underfed. I’m eating.

Positive thoughts: I am going to keep to myself.

I just deleted ‘so fine- sean paul’ from my phone: which reminds me of those endless moments we shared together back in fall.

I deleted little things by good charlotte. Because it is a reminder that little things could get to me.

I deleted over killing only cause I only listen to three seconds of it before moving to the next song with a little bit of irritancy.

I wrote a two page essay in something like an hour last night. I am proud.

I’m going to look good today. Kind of figured what im going to wear. J

I love how I can print stuff from my dorm without needing squared pieces of paper and having to dress decently. 

Registration Day

I’m sitting in front of A&S. I am supposed to be flustered or patient. But I am neither. I feel like ripping my advisement form to shreds. But I need my advisor’s signature and pin before I can do that. I am jealous that optimism is the last thing on my mind (and so I have resorted to blogging) because patience is much needed from me right now.

I need a signature. Why is it always a signature. Why is it that someone’s scrawny or massive mumbo jumbo of lines and curves turn one’s life upside down? Who chose signatures to be a sign of approval anyway? Jeez. Did they not notice that it could lead to a form of torture.

‘sign! Or else’

‘no. you don’t deserve my signature and so you shall not get it.’

‘oh yeah.’

‘yeah’

Angry man (who is the victim in the moment…) grabs the oppressive man with their highly needed signature and cuts off four fingers. The thumb, index, middle and ring.

‘ready to sign with your pinky?’

He gets the signature of course (dunno how with the signature dude bleeding and screaming all over the place.) but he not only doesn’t become the victim anymore (bleeding dude is) but he becomes the hero.

Okay now that was fun. Just thinking that story up. Gruesome. But according to one of my friends who enjoys horrific things, ‘it is beautiful.’

So yes. Ive been writing and only a few minutes have passed.

Won’t blogging run my laptop battery down and then… prevent me from looking up classes when my advisor finally DOES show up…

Oh well. Just like the beautiful dude who finds weird scary nightmarish things beautiful, I’m going to be carefree :D I like the sandals I’m wearing,

Red lipstick really fits me. I don’t know why.

It could be my skin color orrr because I have amazingly curved lips.

Okay I’m lying. They are not amazingly curvy but they’re :D well I can’t have lips and tell… lol geddit? Lip and tell?

Whatever. Sooo the fed ex bike in front of my looks like all those ice cream people on the roads in abj.

Good business in yola. Considering the weather and working masses.

But then… wait… won’t the weather need me to spend more time refrigerating the box on the bike more than spend time outside selling.

Oh well.

That’s economics for you.

Which I don’t need to take because I’ve done other general social science courses like ANTHRO AND SOCIO!!!!!!!!  J I’m so happy because I suck with anything that isn’t theorized. Okay fine I guess there’s theory in eco. BUT IT’S ECO!!! Lol anywayyy . Which were utterly boring (socio and anthro) – don’t even ask me why I have taken those courses. Tis a long story.

I am hungry.

I love how reciting the qur’an makes me less tense and angry. Can’t believe I was about to write arrogant. Okay. I am not arrogant. And okay I kind of lied.

Last night I was arrogant in a silent, bitchy way.

This dude that was serving salad in the saddening cafeteria got to me. And I showed him good.

I like myself.

You can hurt me however you want but when I retaliate im sorry but the theory… no hypothesis, of me being bipolar would come true.

Plus the mood swings. There’s this dude (beautiful dude who finds weird things beautiful but that’s up to him because a cool friend of mine thinks I am not judgmental) that I really like (on one day) and then really really hate the next.

I think ill go check out the diff btw general science and humanities. 

AdS

I talked to Adnan today. You know, he is pretty much the only boy I can talk to and express my mushy(I mean really really mushy) emotions to. He sounded so mature and manly. It’s been basically more than a year and he’s oh so big. I think he’s sixteen. Seventeen?

Anyway, talking to him on the phone made me almost cry. He thought of me, got my number and rang me up. Who has a heart to do that nowadays? He was shaving while we were talking. Lol.

He is simply the cutest.

When he called I was like, who is speaking… and when he said Adnan I literally started mellow freaking out. Mellow because I was not on campus. I was at an elderly person’s home and it would have just been rude to have freaked out. Freaked out because well, that is just me.i really want to go back to congo. Meet up with them and club and have drinks and well, just have fun with them.