. i woke up feeling scared this evening. it was all my fault, i have to admit. Sleeping after Asr prayer is so like me, but very unlike any Muslim. It's not good to sleep at that time of the day. When i was supposed to have my normal siesta, i was busy taking walks with my friends. Turns out, as usual, fun has a price. Well. I had a dream. Muktar T. was there. Ahmed Y. was there. it was a normal aun evening, and we were hanging out. When all of a sudden, chaos erupted. There were government agents all over AUn, and there were orange lights everywhere. you know how the lights are on pool sides, like in hotel nacional, so the sky is dark and only lit by dim stars but the pool and the lights reflect all over and the floor's bight like crazy? well that's how it was. epecially near Rosaria. They were taking people away, something about reserving people. I was scared. You know what happens when i get scared. The people i love get detached from me and i'm left to suffer in hell. Well, They took Ahmed. They grabbed him, and convinced him that he had to go with them. Something was up. Everywhere was in chaos and I really mean it when I say, everywhere was in chaos. there was garbage everywhere, all of a sudden people looked like they had not bathed in days and instead of reeking, we were just covered in dirt. we had been digging. digging with our fingers mind you. every material good in this world disappeared, only a few were left, and they were in dirt mounds. we had to rummage for food, water and goods. all of a sudden i found myself paired up with this random girl, packing for the 'future'. Muktar was no where to be seen., He had been taking from right in front of me and i had no idea where to get him. But I knew where hmed was. He was at the backyard. they kept on dragging him by the shoulder. like if they let him go or walk by himself he would escape. they were makiing a deal. I could have gone there, to see what was up. but he didn't look like he was in need of help. they were negotiating. and we picked so many stupid things, like closets, plastic cups, and old earrings. ANd then I woke up.

I even though the dream just does not make the least bit of sense... i woke up really feeling frightened.

Am i that scared of losing my friends? even if they are... comfortable of being away from me? :S

I need help. And where was Muktar the whole time? I don't even know why i'm publishing this post with their names on it. I normally abbreviate the names or improvise. Maybe the dream has a meaning.

WELL. i ended up talking to my sister about the dream. i didnt give them full details. islamically we're not supposed to tell people what dreams we had, esp the nightmares. but i just need to let this one out. i'm partially scared.

i will have to pray more before i sleep and stop sleeping in broad daylight. i have a bio test, ill blog later.

tumblr is great btw. if blogspot messes up with me one more time i'm migrating :)

A Woman's Beauty

This is my fotieth post, even though im sure three to four of my previous posts were copy-pasted.

My friend just read out to me what a woman's beauty should be defined as, which is: A woman's beauty can be seen when she wakes up from sleep. That's wrong.

Men and women should be equal right? Well, i don't think a man awakening from sleep is beautiful. he's probably been snoring and drooling all night, probably had weird dreams i do NOT want to blog about, has sex hair, and maybe he's even a bed wetter. So why on earth should a lady be beautiful at THAT stage? anyway, making a point by pulling out the other person's flaws is wrong. hence, i shall tell you when to spot a beautiful lady.

You know that photographer that takes a picture of women immediately when they wake up? i don't either, just heard of him. Well, i think he should get his camera and get snapshots of ladies coming right out of the shower. Yes.

That is beauty. Minus the naked body of course, that's more artsy than photography. her hair soaking wet, matted down her face. her lips usually pink and soft, her eyes bright like glass, and her face pure. she always looks pure when she gets out. you could never guess what a person is when she's had her bath. you couldnt tell if she was out all night clubbing, or prostituting (is this a word), you couldn't tell if she was an engineer.

Water is essential. It truly makes a difference. I always analyze myself after i've had a shower. sometimes i even take pictures :)

Fear will be the death of me. I thought it would be for the love of people. But well, apparently. It isn’t. My mates are out there talking about how they can heal the world. While I am in hiding. Blogging about it. I always hated the movie characters that bailed in the last minute, only to come back and save the day after a three minute lecture and encouragement from the second important characters, who never even get the credit.. Well, that’s me right now. Attention seeking baby. Only this time, there is no one to save me. Just me. But guess what, ‘me’ is not strong. Not confident enough.

This obviously means I am going to grow up, and give up for the rest of my life. Why get married and have kiddies when I don’t even believe in myself? What is the use of bringing one individual down. I’m sure he’s going to want me for who I am. But after being together for a long time, he’ll notice I’m a parasite. I’ll just bring him down with my low self esteem and childish complaints. And no child wants a scared mother. There should be a survival of the fittest university. Where you have to do things for the sake of your life. And not for a certificate, or extra credits, or whatever. Or who knows, maybe I’ll just let the lion eat me up. Giving up is apparently what I do. I have given up on my goals, broken promises, heck I’ve even given up on telling the man that I love what mad emotions are surging inside of me because of him. Because I fear rejection. And I fear I am going to pull him from that cloud he’s on to the brown dirt I’m bent on relocating the people I love the most to.

M. was so right. Wasted Outfit. Wasted makeup. Wasted intellect.

Not doing this means #slacker #material. I want to avoid that. But there are so many buts in this.

- The internet sucks.

- I do not have enough time to study all of this.

- I have a nutrition test to study for.

- I doubt I have enough information.

- The people over there are most definitely gurus. I’m effed.

But my old class mate was so right. I have nothing to lose.

The grad here said I can kick ass.

Asmy said I should do it if I want to. And she believes in me.

E. said I should not back down. We;re in this.

Well.

I do have nothing to lose. This will be very beneficial sometime soon. I mean, do I really want to graduate with nothing at all? I think the media... ugh never mind,. meeting in ten. i'm out.

I Haven’t blogged in a while. Honestly speaking, I have been busy. Busy procrastinating. Busy trying to fall out of love. Busy in denial. Busy trying to convince myself I need to do something educational with my life. Busy asking myself why I cannot plan and DO. I have basically been busy being a baby. Ignore the tongue twister.

Right now I am in the basement. It is 12:40 a.m. And I am dead sleepy. Funny enough, I had four hours of sleep in the afternoon. I not only missed prayers, which is what I greatly need, considering all the petty problems I am continuously failing to solve. I did not go back to the library to do the heroic deed I had planned on doing. That is, well, go back and re-borrow (pardon me if that word does not exist) Al-Qaeda, a book about war I borrowed two weeks back and read only up to two pages. I refuse to blame the internet, simply because the same thing occurred to me during my December. I had Harry Potter and the Deathly hallows, as well as three parts of The Twilight Saga, and a book by Dan Brown I got from a friend all stacked on a shelf. As well as my sister’s four hundred level project from Maid. I didn’t read any of them.

Surely I read parts of them. Never once did I complete them. Books, Languages and particularly art define me! I know what has happened to me. It is just that I refuse to change for the better. I have taken up new obnoxious hobbies. I sleep, eat, and browse the net even when not necessary these days. What kind of person have I turned to?

When I was addicted to TV, at least I learned new vocab, cultures and innovations. At least I forced myself to leer away from the movie channels and watched a bit of Al jazeera and the History Channel. Now, I can count the number of times I watched satellite tv. Even the movies I get from my friends, I barely touch. I’m worse than lazy. I am a slacker. And I do it on purpose.

I have so many excuses for everything talking to me is just not worth it. I think my self esteem has sunk down to minus zero. And guess what, minus zero does not exist. I do not exist. See, exactly what I am trying to say. Zero Self Esteem.

I was talking to an old high school friend earlier. He had just finished Model United Nations in Kenya. It lasted for six weeks. Guess what, Six Weeks! There’s a World Environment Day Video Conference taking place on Friday. It’s just three hours. And I am already having second thoughts about participating in it. Well, I never wanted to do it in the first place. The president of the Nature Club I’m in, as well as my friend was the one that lured me into all this. I know I am forever grateful to her.

I just wish I could make promises and fulfil them, gather up courage and do what I want to do, stop being self conscious, try to help out people in beneficial and self serving ways, and be myself. I also wish I didn’t have to blame everyone for my problems. The first best friend I had is to be blamed for my trust issues. I break promises because I learned that from Agbada. We were so used to his air promises we just named it ‘da no ma’. It is haram and should not be a habit. It hurts people, emotionally and in my case right now, psychologically. I blame my self esteem’s low range because of mankind’s comments. Do I really need to be compared to my sisters? They are way out of my league. And people spot that out and throw it at my face.

Why did I get a big mouth for talking when all I do is complain, whine, and say what I am told to say, when I can use it for intellectual purposes? Can I just love my glasses and move on? Why do I need to move from good to worse? Life was so much easier as a child when it comes to building my dream. As a young artists. Socially, agbada RUINED it. In bs, I learned survival of the fittest. I realised why anorexic people liked being like that. I got a taste of the other side of the world. In drc, I learned I could write. Write really well. I had so much potential. Here. I have not learned a thing so far. I have just learned to slack and slack and I dislike that word. I not only skip prayers, I sleep too much, I need to be moved to do EVERYthing. I practically need a reason to live, when I can always live for myself. I I can read and get a full GPA but because I don’t want to do anything or engage in anything. I’m stuck in one place. The Mediocre Boulevard. Living cause I have to. And not because I want to.

I am an idiot. and I will die in my idiocy. and i am sick by the way. i just don't want to go to the hospital.. So if I die, I'll die due to illness, and i'll die in idiocy.

Maryam? Party? Nooo... You've Got the Wrong Girl.

“I have never seen you at a party before. Ever. Sai Yau” That’s what one of my friends told me last night at a friend’s birthday party. He is absolutely right. Of course I party, once per semester I suppose. Haha. Jesse Jagz concert went decently during spring semester. Maina’s party at silver Fall. And now this one. But don’t count on it being the last party of the semester. I not only had fun, I learned so much.

1. If you are self conscious, never ask your crazy friend to tell you how you look. Never. She will bring you down.

2. Having second thoughts, and third and fourth thoughts about going somewhere is normal. Especially for someone like me. Like seriously, I live a sedentary life so having to move miles and miles from my room is scary. And then consider other factors, it’s not your car, you probably don’t trust the driver, anything could happen.

3. Never go to a party alone. Go there with your friends, party with your friends, and in most cases leave with them. They’re fun, and will forever be fun.

4. You could always open up the dancefloor. Buuuh, preferably, sit yo ass down till you start listening . Planning a party is NOT beans. Helping out isn’t too.

5. It’s more fun/ (hectic too but) when you’re part of a party or know the celebrant cause you know you’ve got some rights to the fun. Get involved. If you’re going to a stranger’s party, mingle.

6. Serve, taste, serve, taste some more. Hehe

7. The boys are stupid, only the decent ones will ask you to dance. I could have danced with three guys but they were all retards, like they make silly statements. Instead of saying, ‘let’s dance’ they’ll be like, ‘I didn’t know u could dance,’. Or ‘I wanna see you dance’ etc etc. Don’t budge, if they don’t ask DON’T DANCE!!

8. One thing is imma party more, and do my own thing. And the next time i’m going for one I’ll be less worried about pointless things.

9. and I could go on and on but really, I don’t have the time. I wanna go chill.