Adrenaline Rush

I don’t want to think about anything right now. Do you know what feeling in like means ?? stress, worried expressions, weary and misty thoughts, constant agitation, an over pumped heart, along with supersonic heartbeats (bear with my supersonic exaggeration).  For me at least. But for a week or so now, I felt NONE OF THAT. That feels so good, well, it felt so good!!! That adrenaline rush was no more caused by a testosterone oozing being; it was (FINALLY) caused by achievement, fun, fulfillment and glee. (Are achievement and fulfillment the same??) My boyfriend (as of now I still do not know if I can still call him that, and he is the cause of my being over my first love. And just NOT thinking about either of them felt… so GOOD! No one caught me day dreaming, and even if they did, it was for some delirious moment my friends and I managed to imprint in my memory for some particular (usually wild) reason. J

Obviously I am boyfriend-less because the both of us are POOR at being in relationships, he does not care, and I do not push. So we’re both hanging somewhere, not that I cared for the past week or so. The guy I first fell in love with was no more in my head, simply because I already had my ‘boyfriend’ to think about. But ….

I saw my first love today. He was the epitome of freshness. At least the holiday did him good [ I look a mess, not to mention the GREAT ZIT between my nose and upper lip]. Oh well so I just have to rush things cause if I sit down and describe him y’all will prolly say ‘oh she’s still in loooove’, but no I am NOT. So yeah he looked pretty good and the genuine hug ended up being really genuine with a RUSH but pardonne moi… mea culpa… so yes as I was saying.

I ended up smiling all the way to my destination via the great big bus (from caf to north campus to dorm … blame my lazy but lovely friends… we couldn’t walk under the not so sunny sun) and yes, I had to admit the obvious to my friends, he makes me happy. The way they made me admit it made it look like I was committing a crime, when really, I was not. The other thing was they KNOW    que esta pasando, how happy I get when I see him, naughty brats just wanted to hear me say it!! Brrr, imam kick their butts! Lol

But think about it, is being elated after seeing you ex-first-love a crime?

No I think not. But since I believe the world is a free planet, you can have your own opinion.

Cheerios!

HURT

yes. i am hurt. okay no not really, kawwai i just want to register into my fifth class of the semester. but since that isn't possible, i just have to find something to not make me feel hurt.

Very Happy

It’s so funny how earlier this week i was immensely confused. I needed an answer; I was not going to get one, because apparently I was the bigger person.

I was in the middle of a 'bewildering labyrinth' of questions, expectations and pangs and pangs of emotions. I did not even know how to feel. Exams were right around the corner, but I did not seem to care...

All of a sudden, everything is amazing. In fact, I got caught uttering 'very happy' in my sleep.

Really, I AM Happy :) 

Talk about 'pursuit of happiness'

Talk about 'ignorance is bliss'

And definitely...

So much for taking things slow. :) 

But I do wanna take things slow... it might come back and hit me in the face but that is what i want. Dido to Lui too. 

I Do Not Know... Thoughts and More.

The Objective of the issue (ssss). It's so weird. I should be working on my final research paper but somehow I wound up here.  Is wound up here even grammatically correct? I'm listening to shy boy by Jordan Sparks, and it solely reminds me of Summer I. Okay not solely, it reminds me of a lot of things.

But that is not the point. The main point is I am typing like crazy on here, but when I pull up my research paper. Nothing. Nada. Niet. Wala. Okay I am lying. Personally I just don't have any single interest in this.

I chose Eq. Guinea because it's a country a lot of people do not know about, thought the media would be decent to understand and also because my elder siblings (Can siblings be older... I know, I am very conscious about languages because they are one of my talents... and no I refuse to be modest at what I know best.) 

Funny how I misspelled conscious and nearly added it to the dictionary. Would have ruined me because I use that word a lot and I misspell it most of the time.

So yes. I am alone in the basement. It’s two twenty one a.m. and intoxicated, Jesse jagz is on. It reminds me of a friend, who once tweeted that he can’t ever get over this song.

I was upset earlier.

Exactly why I wanted to blog. Just wanted to give you the benefit of knowing that I procrastinate and get writer's block when it comes to research papers. Because I gotta get info from people I do not know but are deemed credible by databases (that I do not trust) like jstor or simply because they are .org or .edu websites. Do you know how I distrust Wikipedia and .com sites because of library orientation... hmmm... which is shameful cause if only you knew how much wikipedia helped me back in high school.

SPECIAL REFERENCE CHEMISTRY.

lol.

I’m confused; I promised I would be the one to call. But that meant I would have to call the shots. And personally, I don't want any flipping ball in my court. 

I really want this. I really do. 

Sorry. Was thinking. But you wouldn't have known that because it's a text... and not... oh never mind. 

You know what sucks right now. more than the fact that I have two exams on Saturday, two more on Sunday, and NOTHING on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday, and also what sucks more than me and lui not together because of taurin kai (how do you spell??) and what sucks more than me dulling when I was supposed to be cheery and crazy cause I was with my almost but not equally crazy and cheery penguins of Madagascar loving friends but really wasn’t cheery and was thoughtful , silent and distant and sucks more than me having to spend my December in Yola... the fact that I DON'T KNOW.

I want to know. It’s not like I care. I do care, that's why I’m thinking about it every minute of my life. That's why I am blogging about this instead of looking at my research paper. It's not because I am a nerd. Certainly not cause I have no one to tell, everyone knows. It is because I care. I care but I do not KNOW.

I want to know the other Point of Views. I want to feel. I want to feel. You have no idea how many emotions are surging through me right now. You don't know how much I want to cry, but for what reason?

I want to blame the thoughts and hurt in me on lui. But for what reason? I keep asking myself.

I want to tell myself I am not hurting. I don't feel hurt. But apparently something must have triggered my emotions. I mean... eerrr... why the silence? Where’s freaky Maya?

These questions can be answered. They really can. 

Lui: falta de comunicación. 

I have four exams in two consecutive days with two each day in short intervals. Of COURSE I’ll be thinking.

I’ve got a flipping instructor who is more bipolar and more forgetful than me. And you do NOT want to know what that means. Okay you do = CHAOS AND ANGRY STUDENTS THAT FEEL BETRAYED

Poor decision making. <-okay that sounds like it came out of a textbook. Haha. sbe maybe? or cmd???

Silence because I can't possibly talk forever. Okay I can... journalist in the making HELLO!! but yh, you get me. I need sometime to myself. These horoscopes make sense... We Aquarians need our space. Yeah you heard right and no... You READ right, I'm an Aquarius Lady. There's two sides to me (so not gbagaun, tis American English) I could phase any second and you wouldn't do anything about it.

I was really happy about the matured Maryam, in control, serious, calculative and more than usually thoughtful. But now... it's scaring me.

I miss having people decide for me. 

The Dream, the Theories and the Change of Mind

 I sincerely do not know why I had a dream about you. But I feel indifferent about it all. Okay weirded out simply because well, I feel like I am over you. I act stupid around you and the simplest eye contact can bring the feelings back but that’s not what I am saying. I don’t weep about you anymore, I don’t have you on my mind 24/7, I just know you were a part of my life at one point in time, and you meant a lot to me. But I don’t feel like I love you anymore. And I am willing to let you go. So yes, I am indifferent.

But then having you in my subconscious mind all of a sudden is freaking me out. I’m lying I’m not freaked out. I’m enjoying this actually. Behind the weird context of a possibility of wanting you back. So yes. What if you come from nowhere and say we should get together. Well let’s just summarize my media dependency theory. Since it’s a dream i am most likely not going to forget…

Honestly speaking, I think these theories make a whole lot of sense. The thing is, I simply do not fully agree with them. As a liberalist, there is no way I can read about these theories and nod my head and say, fact. They make sense, they rectify some incidents, but what are they trying to say? That people are being controlled by their own inventions?

Okay back to me thoughts

am a hypocrite. Yes. I am not going to deny that. For what benefit? There are things that I would vow never to do, and then I end up doing them. Sometimes out of compulsion (convincing) and sometimes out of will. This time. It happened. Out of will.

I wrote the above weeks ago, just thought it’s proper that I posted it.

The Pizza I Didn't Eat, The Research Paper I Didn't Write, The Problem We Didn't Resolve, But I'm all Smiles. . .

so today was a day i cant possibly fathom would ever happen to me...
I know there's drama and chaos and sits in my life but today's was...
the second point id like to point out (haha point id like to point.. get it? lol. oh whatever, whats the point?)  is that i have always considered myself to be selfish. i tend to have zero self esteem, i tend to be self conscious, i tend to dwell in my past and dwell even some more in past actions.
and the third is i found out that i still have the ability to sacrifice. you know how people think chivalry is dead but well, and then this prince charming comes along, whisks you away and apparently and all of a sudden chivalry ISN'T dead.... well this is what happened to me tonight.
and wow whee, tonight is the first of december... hmmm
so YESH. BACK TO MY POINT
i found out, tonight, the first of december.. that, oh sorry 2010, ... two years before the 'end of the world' haha that i still love my friends and i still have the heart to let go of things that i care about and attend to others. not that anyone needed attending to, i mean none of the chickens (which i love oh so very much) listened to my advice but ya za ayi? abi ya zan iya.
so anyway, i'm just pleased that i wasn't self absorbed in a pessimistic and saddening way.
i was there for my buddies, i wasn't biased (OK I MIGHT HAVE BEEN BUT I INTENDED NOT TO BE SO THERE!)
oh and the thing i missed out on was i lost the chance to be with my grizzly bear. i'm going to be optimistic like he is, and hope there's another chance. and yes there will be another chance.
oh i also sacrificed my pizza with Sashaaa :) which doesnt matter cause grizzly bear offered to take us back to the pizzeria but i just said no, didnt want anything further to happen.
and then the other thing i sacrificed was my research paper. i know its due on the 14th but mahhn, it's like ten flipping pages long, boring and i have exams before the fourteenth so i need time and space to study for them.
and I can only do that when i am done with the paper and have nothing else on my mind.
anyway
i shouldnt gloat about my love for my friends, people already know i'm awesome (more gloating)
so yes. heading on to my research paper.

The Things You Hear Behind the Blasting Speakers At PIBZ

You only hear weird comments in clubs. Weird phrases like the following.

“I think your nose just touched my eye.”

And

“I can feel the beat in my anus.”

And

“I think I’m going to grind my cousin.”

The first one happened when I was trying to talk to my friend’s boyfriend. Because of the more 

than loud speakers banging behind us, he had to lean in closer so he could hear me. As he did, the tip of his almost perfectly chiseled nose tip brushed the white of my right eye. And yeah F, I know you are reading this and yeaaap your bf has a decently cool nose :D

Of course it was weird. But it just made me laugh because I normally don’t get noses in my eye.

The second one happened near the corner. There were about three speakers all faced in our direction, and I promise you I could feel the beat in my anus. It was like, ‘dum, dum, du-dum,’ hahah.

It was really funny.

The third one. Is. Even. More. dramatic. I’m saying ‘is’ cause it still is. She not only grinded him; There was a little bit more to it than juust grinding.

J love my friends. Like sosai sosai.